Chapter 9

Deep in the closet?

It wasn't the first time Su Xingchuan had heard the phrase. It was the first time he'd ever connected it to himself. He found the idea absurd.

Yu Qinglan looked at him with an unreadable expression.

Su Xingchuan let out a scoffing laugh. 'No way,' he said, dismissive.

He waved it off and headed back into the club room. 'Let's keep going — finish up before five, then we all go eat.'

Everyone agreed.

Yu Qinglan raised an eyebrow and said nothing.

He was dismissive out loud. Inside, though, something had shifted. All through the club anniversary event, he kept glancing up at the door and the windows — half-afraid Li Xuan was outside somewhere, waiting.

He wasn't.

By the time things were winding down, Su Xingchuan was worn out from being pulled around by seniors and juniors alike. He'd found a seat off to the side when he caught Yu Qinglan in his peripheral vision — she was sitting with the girl who'd sent him the friend request earlier, one hand half-covering her mouth, whispering something at length, eyes flicking toward Su Xingchuan every few seconds. She looked very pleased with herself.

Su Xingchuan shot her a look.

She caught it. Gave the girl a sheepish little laugh, then made her way around a row of tables and came to sit beside him.

'What?'

Su Xingchuan looked sideways at her. 'You were giving off serious village-gossip energy just now. I feel like I've already been slandered.'

Yu Qinglan grinned. 'I was complimenting you, actually.'

'I'm not interested in her, but that doesn't mean you can just say whatever you want and wreck my reputation.' Su Xingchuan rubbed his temple.

'I didn't say you were deep in the closet. Relax.'

'...Because I'm not,' Su Xingchuan said, with nothing to defend himself against. 'He's just one of the new people I've met recently. I'm always like this with friends — you know how I am.'

Yu Qinglan looked him up and down. 'Okay, but — have you noticed you've been somewhere else in your head all night?'

One line from Yu Qinglan and the act was over.

His expression stiffened, eyes going flat. He forced a casual shrug. 'Just tired today.'

Yu Qinglan crossed her arms and smiled. 'Sure, hopefully. Otherwise she's going to be pretty crushed.'

'Whatever,' Su Xingchuan said.

Back in his dorm, he lay on his bed alone, arms folded behind his head, Li Xuan's face drifting up no matter how many times he pushed it down.

Come on. That's not what this is.

He just thinks the guy's cute. Entertaining.

It's not like that. It's really not.

He closed his eyes.

That's what he told himself — and then spent the next day actively dodging Li Xuan anyway. Li Xuan usually hit the canteen at eleven, took the table behind the pillar in the southeast corner. Today Su Xingchuan made a point of getting there before eleven, and made a point of sitting on the opposite side.

Didn't matter. Li Xuan found him anyway.

Halfway through his meal, Li Xuan set down a plate of fish-fragrant pork over rice and dropped into the seat right next to him.

Didn't say a word. Didn't need to. The accusation was already radiating off him.

Su Xingchuan nearly choked.

He turned and caught Li Xuan's look — that full, puffed-up scowl — and felt an absurd flicker of guilt. 'You're — you're here early?'

Li Xuan reached over and pushed a spoon into his hand.

Smooth about it, too. Like he'd done it a hundred times.

Like Su Xingchuan had somehow already been appointed his personal caretaker.

'...Feed yourself,' Su Xingchuan said, frowning.

Li Xuan turned away and said nothing.

He'd already guessed Li Xuan was going to sulk, so he pushed it: 'You can't even eat rice on your own? You're not paralyzed.'

Li Xuan dropped his little casted hand onto Su Xingchuan's arm.

The contact hit without warning and Su Xingchuan's whole body jolted — everywhere Li Xuan touched went warm and prickly, a current of tiny sparks shooting straight up to the back of his neck.

Weird feeling.

Li Xuan had been doing that same thing for the past two days. Su Xingchuan had written it off as clingy behavior, hadn't thought anything of it. Now, suddenly, it felt off.

Was this flirting?

Guys put their arms around each other all the time, that was normal. But if his roommate rested a hand on his arm like that, he'd probably frown and shake it off. Not that he couldn't handle it —'d just feel weird. The fact that he'd been quietly letting Li Xuan get away with all of this for the past few days was really not okay.

He lifted Li Xuan's hand away and said, annoyed, 'It's been a week. Stop faking. You nicked yourself on glass — no nerve damage, no bone damage. I've walked off worse playing basketball. Why are you so dramatic?'

Li Xuan slowly pulled his hand back.

Su Xingchuan's chest dropped again.

'I —' He started and stopped.

'Sorry.' Li Xuan actually apologized. He tucked his right hand into his pocket, stood up, and left.

Su Xingchuan hadn't even finished eating. He got up to go after him.

At the door he remembered to grab a takeout box and scraped Li Xuan's rice into it.

He took off after him, box in hand.

Lucky he was tall — standing on the steps he could still spot Li Xuan in the crowd.

Li Xuan was walking alone into the trees.

Su Xingchuan caught up and grabbed him. 'Okay, okay. I was too harsh. I'm sorry.'

Su Xingchuan had no idea why he was apologizing to Li Xuan. But face to face with him, he always caved without thinking.

Li Xuan stared at him. 'You don't like me.'

Su Xingchuan blinked, stumbling a little. 'No — it's not that I don't like you, it's just... I've never met a guy as — as delicate as you. It's just kind of... weird.'

'Weird how?'

Su Xingchuan couldn't actually explain it, and he was scared of reading too much into things, so he let it drop. 'Let's eat first. I brought you something.'

Li Xuan wasn't letting it go. 'Weird how?'

Su Xingchuan sighed. 'Not weird. You're not weird at all. A twenty-year-old who needs to be hand-fed — totally normal, nothing weird about that. And me going along with it? I'm the weird one. Happy?'

Li Xuan actually nodded, completely serious. 'You are weird. Snapping at me out of nowhere for no reason.'

'..' Su Xingchuan took a slow, deep breath. His blood pressure was going through the roof.

Fine.

He pulled Li Xuan over to the bench and sat him down.

And then he fed him, without a word of complaint.

Li Xuan accepted every bite with full satisfaction, then lifted his right hand and held it in front of Su Xingchuan's face. 'It really hurts,' he said, looking pitiful. 'Hurts touch anything. So bad I can't sleep.'

Playing the victim came as naturally to Li Xuan as breathing. Su Xingchuan said, 'I'm literally feeding you right now.'

'You said I was faking.'

'..' Su Xingchuan had nothing.

'Apologize first.'

Su Xingchuan was pretty sure he'd racked up a massive debt with Li Xuan in a past life. One he couldn't finish paying off — so here he was, carrying it into this one.

Li Xuan made the case like he'd already won.

Su Xingchuan had no leverage over him at all. He kept feeding him and caved: 'Sorry. I shouldn't have said you were faking.'

Only then did Li Xuan shift — sliding over until he was pressed right against Su Xingchuan.

That was his version of an olive branch.

Su Xingchuan pushed him away. He scooted back.

After a few rounds of this, Su Xingchuan gave up and let him do whatever he wanted. Li Xuan was in a good mood, so his legs swung back and forth in a lazy tangle, occasionally knocking against Su Xingchuan's. Every time they did, his rhythm broke — and so did Su Xingchuan's breathing. He had to force his attention back to the plastic takeout container. Li Xuan didn't like scallions or ginger. Didn't like egg either.

Li Xuan didn't eat much. Halfway through he nudged Su Xingchuan's arm aside and said, 'I'm done.'

Su Xingchuan handed him a napkin. 'Such a princess.'

Li Xuan accepted that verdict without protest.

'Did your parents spoon-feed you all the way through primary school? Who does this? You're not a kid anymore — isn't this embarrassing?'

Li Xuan turned his head and said nothing.

'You're doing it on purpose.' Su Xingchuan had seen through him a long time ago.

Li Xuan pressed his lips together, a flicker of mischief surfacing in his eyes.

Su Xingchuan tossed the takeout box into a nearby bin and settled back down beside Li Xuan.

Afternoons usually burned, but the little grove filtered everything — layers of leaves locking out the hard summer light, and breeze after breeze rolling through, lifting Li Xuan's hair.

Li Xuan rested his little casted hand on Su Xingchuan's arm again. He turned it over, studying the injury from different angles, picking at the tape on the gauze where the edges had started to curl. Su Xingchuan bent his head to look too.

Li Xuan was quiet now.

Soft. A little spacey. Not annoying at all.

Something occurred to Su Xingchuan. He asked, carefully: 'Have you — made any friends here? At school?'

He'd never once seen Li Xuan with anyone. Didn't matter if it was the canteen or the study room — Li Xuan was always alone.

Li Xuan nodded. 'No friends.'

'Why? You don't click with your roommates either?'

Li Xuan didn't seem to love the topic, but Su Xingchuan had asked, so he answered honestly. 'Don't want to spend the time.'

'Do you at least talk to them in the dorm?'

'Sometimes.'

Su Xingchuan got it.

His guess: a big part of why Li Xuan kept hanging around him was that he had no one else. He was lonely.

Something soft moved through Su Xingchuan. He nudged gently: 'You could make the first move, you know. Bring some snacks back, pass them around.'

'No.'

'Why not?'

'I don't like them. I don't want to spend the time.'

'But you can't just have no friends — you'll get lonely.'

'I'm not lonely.' Li Xuan looked genuinely puzzled. 'My mom and dad, my uncle, my aunt — they're all really good to me. If I want to talk, I can talk to them. They actually listen.'

It was the first time Su Xingchuan had heard Li Xuan mention his family.

So Li Xuan wasn't some sad, starved-for-affection kid. He'd just grown up in a house full of love and money, which had produced someone whose head worked differently from everyone else's — a little self-contained, a little his own.

Su Xingchuan had always assumed clingy came from neglect. Apparently not.

A bird called from somewhere in the tree. Li Xuan looked up.

Su Xingchuan stared at his profile.

His face was so small — barely bigger than a hand. Lashes, eyes, the line of his nose, the curve of his mouth — all of it delicate. He was scanning the branches for the bird, lips just barely pursed, cheeks still round. Something moved Su Xingchuan's hand before his brain did. He reached out and pinched Li Xuan's cheek.

Li Xuan had a little baby fat in his cheeks. Nice to squeeze.

Su Xingchuan couldn't help himself. He did it a few more times.

Li Xuan suddenly turned to look at him. Su Xingchuan froze — hadn't even processed it yet — and then he watched Li Xuan lean in, and then —

Kiss him on the cheek.

Su Xingchuan short-circuited for a full five seconds.

!!!

He shot to his feet like he'd been electrocuted, face cycling through red and white, words completely falling apart.

'Wh — what? What did you just do?'

Li Xuan looked at him with pure innocent eyes, like Su Xingchuan was the one who'd startled him, and scooted back a little.

The unease he'd been carrying all week — and that offhand remark from Yu Qinglan — everything detonated at once. He knew it. He knew it.

He could still feel it on his cheek.

He forced himself to calm down first.

He pressed down the chaos in his chest and said, very deliberately: 'Li Xuan, I'm telling you right now — I'm not gay. I'm not going to fall for a guy, and I'm definitely not going to fall for you. If you're gay, stay away from me. I respect your community, but don't go making your problems someone else's burden. Don't think you can do whatever you want just because you're good-looking. I'm telling you, I will never like a guy in my entire life. I'm straight. Straight. Do you hear me?'

Li Xuan listened to all of it without a word.

He nodded.

Su Xingchuan exhaled. Thank god he'd shut that down in time, he thought. Any later and it would've been a disaster.

He was just starting to settle when Li Xuan asked, very carefully: 'Can I do it one more time?'

'...'

Li Xuan was very reasonable about it. 'Just the cheek. Not the mouth.'