Chapter 8

Time slowed down. Impossible to measure.

Li Xuan's strength gave out by degrees, and his phone slipped from his fingers and hit the floor with a clatter.

The sound snapped him back first. He shoved Su Xingchuan away — didn't stop to think about the wet corners of his eyes or his lips, didn't stop for Su Xingchuan's instinctive grab — just snatched up his phone in a panic and ran for the door, shoved his feet into his shoes, and was gone.

Leaving Su Xingchuan alone in the living room.

The door was still open, swaying in the draft from the hallway. The warmth and the scent of him faded, a little at a time.

Like a dream.

A small ceramic cat sat on the cabinet nearby. Su Xingchuan caught it in his peripheral vision, picked it up, and threw it at the floor. It shattered.

Su Xingchuan closed his eyes.

He leaned against the wall. The heat had burst open like fireworks and now there was nothing left but a thin trail of smoke. For the first time, Su Xingchuan felt like a joke — getting dumped wasn't enough, apparently. He'd had to come back and stick his face in, trying to wreck someone else's relationship.

Insane. He had to be losing it.

Or maybe just too lonely.

He really, genuinely missed Li Xuan.

The first time he'd met Li Xuan, seven years ago, he hadn't known yet — hadn't known how deep a mark Li Xuan would leave on his life.

.

Seven years ago.

Su Xingchuan watched Li Xuan walk off the basketball court. A friend came up beside him and asked, 'What are you looking at?'

Li Xuan had already disappeared from view. All Su Xingchuan could remember was his name.

And those eyes.

Like a cat's — narrow at the inner corners and wide at the outer, with a faint upward tilt at the ends.

Yu Qinglan saw him standing there staring blankly at the sideline and punched him in the shoulder. 'Hey. You okay?'

Su Xingchuan yanked his gaze away and answered something completely unrelated: 'Med school. Just met him yesterday.'

Yu Qinglan thought Su Xingchuan was being really weird.

'What were you saying?' Su Xingchuan finally caught up. 'BBQ? Yeah, I'm in.'

Su Xingchuan figured that was it — their paths had crossed twice, and now they were done.

That same night, he ran into Li Xuan in the back alley.

He and a bunch of friends had just spilled out of a crawfish place. It was windy out, and the patio was almost empty — just a handful of scattered customers. Su Xingchuan swept a lazy glance across and found Li Xuan immediately: pale blue tracksuit, back to them, sitting in a plastic chair.

Right hand hanging at his side. Eating left-handed.

Su Xingchuan clocked him instantly.

Two run-ins felt like something, so after moment's hesitation he told his friends to go ahead without him and walked over alone. Li Xuan must have heard his footsteps, because head snapped up — and Su Xingchuan stopped where he was.

Li Xuan had sauce all over his mouth. Like a messy little cat.

And then he blinked at Su Xingchuan with those cat eyes of his, all wide and innocent.

'What are you doing here?' Su Xingchuan said.

Li Xuan didn't answer. He just dropped his gaze and kept eating — a plate of noodles slick with oil, chopsticks in his left hand. He wasn't used to it. Every time he tried to pick up a clump of noodles, he flung half of them at his own face.

Su Xingchuan sighed, pulled out the chair beside him, sat down. 'Want help?'

Li Xuan didn't say a word — just shoved the plate across to him without hesitation. Su Xingchuan stared at it. '…Were you just waiting for me to show up?'

'Yeah,' Li Xuan said. Completely unembarrassed.

He raised his bandaged hand — wrapped up so thick it looked like a little pig's trotter — and let his eyes say the rest: I can't exactly feed myself.

'Your hand's like that and you ordered noodles? Why not rice?' Su Xingchuan took Li Xuan's chopsticks, flagged down the owner for a spoon, then started scooping noodles onto the spoon and lifting it to Li Xuan's mouth.

The first time he did it, he didn't think.

Then the spoon touched Li Xuan's lips and his heart gave one hard lurch — maybe this was a little too close. Li Xuan was beautiful, sure, but he was still a boy. A twenty-year-old boy. And he —

Before he could work it out, Li Xuan had already opened his mouth and eaten the noodles right off the spoon.

Enjoying himself, clearly.

'I think we've only met twice.'

Li Xuan nodded. 'I want some sausage.'

'..' Su Xingchuan, long-suffering, speared a piece of sausage and fed it to him.

Li Xuan seemed to be in a good mood. His long legs dangled out from the hem of his light-blue athletic shorts, swinging.

'Why are you even here waiting for me? What do you actually want?' Su Xingchuan was starting to get suspicious.

Li Xuan lifted his little injured hand again.

'I'm hurt.'

'I didn't hurt you. Go find those guys who jumped you.'

'You did hurt me,' Li Xuan said, quietly. 'You pulled me behind you. That's how I hit the glass.'

'So now it's my fault? If I hadn't been there that night, forget your hand — they'd have beaten your face in too!' Su Xingchuan couldn't hold it back. 'That's gratitude for you. Blaming me. Let me be clear: I stepped in out of the goodness of my heart, and not asking for a commendation plaque is me being generous. Your hand? Not my problem.'

Su Xingchuan drew a firm line between himself and Li Xuan.

Li Xuan's lips moved. He started to say something, then didn't.

Su Xingchuan made to leave. Li Xuan sat there looking put-upon, slowly pulling his plate back and wrapping his clumsy left hand around his chopsticks, making a mess of his noodles.

Su Xingchuan was, once again, completely played.

He sat back down and took the chopsticks away.

'Fine. I'll feed you till the bowl's empty and then we're even.'

Li Xuan's legs started swinging again.

Su Xingchuan fed him another bite and asked, 'What were you about to say just now?'

Su Xingchuan figured he was going to say thank you.

Fair enough — what he'd done that night was genuinely heroic. Not everyone would sprint into a pitch-black alley without a second thought, scare off a pack of thugs, and pull out a total stranger. That was front-page school newspaper material. Might've even been worth extra credit.

Besides, Li Xuan still hadn't thanked him. Not once.

He waited.

Li Xuan said, 'I want the vegetables. I don't like egg — stop putting egg in my bowl.'

'..' Su Xingchuan thought: did I wrong this person in a past life?

Li Xuan got his vegetables and suddenly smiled.

It was the first time Su Xingchuan had ever seen him smile.

His eyes curved into little crescents — cool, pale little crescents — because the smile was already gone before it fully landed.

The only thought in Su Xingchuan's head at that moment: what does he taste like? Sweet or something else?

'Su Xingchuan,' Li Xuan said suddenly. 'I know your name now. I had to ask around.'

Su Xingchuan blinked. He had no idea where this was going.

'Thank you for saving me. I already told my dad, and he spoke to the teachers and the school administration — they're going to give you a commendation. Do you want a banner? I can go buy one tomorrow and bring it to you.'

'...What?'

Hearing Li Xuan deliver a whole speech out of nowhere was a lot to process — especially with that soft, unhurried voice coming out of that ice-cold face. The contrast was almost violent.

'No — what banner? I was joking,' Su Xingchuan said, snapping back and waving it off. 'I was joking.'

'That's all it takes?' Li Xuan seemed to be thinking it over. 'Then... can I eat with you from now on?'

Li Xuan fixed his gaze on Su Xingchuan — a straight, unblinking look. His eyes weren't particularly wide or round in the usual sense, but the slight tilt of his head as he looked up made them seem huge. Guileless. Quietly devastating.

Su Xingchuan had'sure' right there on his tongue. His brain caught it just in time.

He frowned. 'What do you mean, eat together?'

'Eat together. Like, together.'

Li Xuan opened his mouth again. 'I want a sausage.'

Su Xingchuan's cheek twitched. '…When you say eat together, you don't mean I feed you, right?'

Two days later.

North campus, Cafeteria No. 2.

Su Xingchuan looked at Li Xuan with flat, unimpressed eyes. 'Are you done? Waving that little paw around every day — who exactly are you performing for?'

Even as he said it, he held the spoon up to Li Xuan's mouth. Li Xuan opened wide and took a big bite — rice soaked through with tomato beef brisket broth. Satisfied, he slowly lowered his right hand and started swinging his legs again, one after the other.

Today he had on a white T-shirt covered in cartoon graffiti, black shorts, and a pair of sneakers that Su Xingchuan clocked at not a cent under five thousand if they were real.

Su Xingchuan had finally pieced together who this little menace actually was.

Word was his family had serious money — nothing he wore cost less than four figures — and when break came, a dedicated driver picked him up. The reason he hadn't gone abroad was supposed to be that he was introverted and couldn't be too far from his parents.

People who knew him said: he's a nightmare to deal with. Not spoiled, exactly — he showed up to class on time, turned in his work — but it was like he genuinely couldn't hear what anyone else was saying. He ran on his own internal logic and just didn't factor other people in.

Su Xingchuan had thought that was an exaggeration at first.

Two days in, he had only one thing to say: pretty accurate.

'The cafeteria's tomato brisket is bad,' Li Xuan said. 'It tastes like ketchup.'

'So what do you want, Michelin?'

Li Xuan dropped his gaze. 'I didn't say that.'

Catching his own sharpness, Su Xingchuan cleared his throat and tried again. 'Is your hand feeling better?'

Li Xuan shook his head.

'So you're just going to lech off me indefinitely?'

Li Xuan nodded.

Su Xingchuan was speechless. 'Why me? Because I saved you? That's literally biting the hand that feeds you!'

Li Xuan's gaze drifted down slowly, moving from Su Xingchuan's face to his stomach. 'No basketball today?'

Su Xingchuan said flatly, 'What's it to you?'

Li Xuan startled. His expression immediately went pitiful.

His legs stopped swinging. He pressed them together.

'Okay okay, I'll play.'

Su Xingchuan held the spoon up to his mouth, dead-eyed. 'Young master, please eat. I'm literally starving over here.'

Neither of them had afternoon classes.

Li Xuan sat on the sideline and watched Su Xingchuan play.

A friend jerked his chin toward the edge of the court. 'Quite the fan club. Used to be all girls coming to watch you — now it's guys.'

Su Xingchuan glanced back at Li Xuan.

Li Xuan was fussing with the drinks bottles next to him.

He'd bought a whole pile — energy drinks, sodas, the works. First he lined them up into a neat square formation, then he moved the Coke and the vitamin water to the outer edges and kept rearranging, perfectly happy with himself.

Su Xingchuan genuinely could not tell what went on in his head.

'Play, play.' Su Xingchuan turned back around.

The first half ended on a perfect note — Su Xingchuan's three-pointer. He grabbed the hem of his jersey and was just about to fan himself when he caught Li Xuan's eyes locked dead on him.

Su Xingchuan's eyes narrowed slightly. He dropped the hem fast, covering the strip of sweat-damp abs.

Li Xuan pouted.

'..' Su Xingchuan felt something was off.

He walked over. Li Xuan jumped up immediately, both hands extended in a grand ta-da gesture toward the right — presenting the little drink stand he'd built by systematically cleaning out the vending machine beside him.

'Anything you like?'

Li Xuan's eyes were bright with anticipation.

Su Xingchuan didn't want to play along.'Sorry,' he said. 'I only drink mineral water.'

Li Xuan's face fell for just a second.

Su Xingchuan grabbed a water from his friend, twisted it open, and took two long pulls. Head tilted back, he ran through the whole lecture in his head: don't go soft, don't let this inexplicable little rich kid get to you, you don't even know what he's after, just keep it cold, keep your distance, draw the line — whatever you do, do not go soft.

Then he looked down. Li Xuan was sitting there, quietly sulking. 'I'll take the Vitamin Water,' Su Xingchuan heard himself say.

Li Xuan's mouth curved up immediately.

He handed the Vitamin Water to Su Xingchuan.

The rest of the drinks went to waste — Su Xingchuan checked with Li Xuan and then gave them away to the other guys on the court in his name. Li Xuan didn't acknowledge the gesture. When people thanked him he barely responded, just kept his eyes on Su Xingchuan.

Su Xingchuan sat down beside him. Li Xuan asked, 'Hot? You could lift your jersey and fan yourself.'

'...Could you be any less subtle?'

Li Xuan tilted his head, expression perfectly innocent.

'If you want abs that bad, go train some. Why are you always staring at other people's?' Su Xingchuan got a sudden idea and reached toward Li Xuan's stomach, grinning. 'You got any?'

Li Xuan froze. Su Xingchuan gave his stomach a pat.

Flat. But soft.

Su Xingchuan laughed. Li Xuan's ears went red to the tips. He sprang to his feet, threw the pack of wet wipes he'd been saving at Su Xingchuan's chest, and walked away without looking back.

'Bit of a temper,' Su Xingchuan said.

Su Xingchuan had figured Li Xuan would freeze him out for at least a few days. Instead he ran into him in the library very next morning.

Li Xuan sat down across from him and pulled out his laptop and textbook with his left hand.

The medical textbook was thick enough to be intimidating, but Li Xuan flipped straight to about two-thirds of the way through and settled in to read.

Watching Li Xuan study like that actually shifted something in Su Xingchuan's impression of him. He'd long since given up on his own book. His mind drifted, aimless: this little rich kid could coast on his face, could coast on his dad's money — and yet here he was, dead set on medicine, on actually doing something. Kind of remarkable. Though with that temper of his, he was going to be a walking malpractice suit someday.

He was still thinking that when someone tapped his shoulder.

Yu Qinglan.

She leaned down and murmured in his ear: 'Don't forget the club anniversary thing tonight. Get there early and help blow up the balloons.'

He actually had forgotten.

Between Li Xuan taking up all his attention these past two days, he'd missed a whole assignment for one of his major courses — never mind the anniversary event.

He nodded and said quietly, 'Yeah, got it.'

Yu Qinglan glanced back at Li Xuan, then walked out of the study room.

Su Xingchuan didn't notice Li Xuan's expression darkening. He finished up his assignment, checked the time, and started getting ready to leave.

He was already packing his bag when he remembered Li Xuan.

He paused mid-motion and snuck a look.

Li Xuan caught him. Glared.

Su Xingchuan felt a flicker of awkwardness. He pulled out his phone and texted: [Debate club event tonight. I'm heading out.]

Kitty: [No you're not.]

Su Xingchuan: [Why not?]

Kitty: [Just because.]

Su Xingchuan: [I don't take orders without reasons.]

Kitty: [I hate you.]

There was practically an audio track to those words. Su Xingchuan could already picture exactly how Li Xuan had typed that — cheeks puffed, fuming.

He huffed a quiet laugh and didn't reply. Pocketed his phone, shoved the last book into his bag, and left.

He was still a little worried, though. He stopped at the corner near the entrance and ducked behind a pillar to peer into the study room. Li Xuan was still flipping through his book, looking completely unbothered. Su Xingchuan let out a breath.

Summer was the best time to be on campus. The shaded path was scattered with coins of broken light.

The leaves rustled.

Su Xingchuan walked toward the debate club, the wind at his face.

He glanced back every now and then to make sure Li Xuan wasn't trailing him.

He'd successfully shaken off that little shadow — and yet, somehow, something felt off. Like something was missing.

He couldn't put his finger on it.

He walked into the club room and immediately became the center of gravity. Everyone crowded around, and within minutes he had them all laughing.

Su Xingchuan took one look at the chaotic setup and started delegating on the spot: 'One person on balloons, two on the streamers, all the guys over here moving tables, and someone get the projector sorted — go, let's wrap this up in twenty minutes.'

Su Xingchuan had a way of becoming the axis a group revolves around.

Always had, going back as far as he could remember.

It also meant he had a way of catching girls' attention — in fact, his phone had just buzzed with a new friend request.

A junior who'd just joined the club.

Su Xingchuan hesitated, then decided to pretend he hadn't seen it.

It wasn't that he had anything against it — he'd just been down this road before. Accept the request, end up getting bombarded with messages. Better to avoid a repeat.

Yu Qinglan drifted over and murmured in his ear, 'Did you just get a friend request from one of the new juniors?'

'How'd you know?'

'She asked me. Wanted to know if you had a girlfriend.'

Yu Qinglan tilted her head toward the right side of the room. 'That one — she's really pretty, I love her hair.'

Su Xingchuan glanced over and nodded. 'Yeah, she is.'

'None of them work for you? You're way too picky.'

Su Xingchuan smiled a little. 'I'm not picky.'

'Then why not?'

'Just — chemistry, I guess. Haven't clicked with anyone.'

The words were barely out when a familiar figure appeared in the classroom doorway. Su Xingchuan moved toward it without thinking. It was Li Xuan.

Li Xuan was holding a pen in his left hand, completely deadpan: 'You left this at the library.'

Transparent excuse. Su Xingchuan let it go.

He leaned against the doorframe. 'I'm not eating with you tonight — just head to the canteen on your own. Get the congee, it'll be easier.'

Li Xuan lifted his little casted hand again.

'Don't.'

Li Xuan turned and walked off. Even his back looked sulky.

Su Xingchuan watched him go, smiling.

'So that's the one?' Yu Qinglan's voice came from right behind him. Su Xingchuan startled hard.

He turned. 'What?'

Yu Qinglan looked toward the end of the hall where Li Xuan had gone, then back at Su Xingchuan. 'Are you pretending, or do you actually not know?'

'Know what?' Su Xingchuan was genuinely lost.

'You can't tell he's gay?'

Something went cold in Su Xingchuan's chest. 'No way.'

Yu Qinglan shook her head. 'I should go warn her. Let move on now instead of wasting time on someone deep in the closet.'