Chapter 10

Li Xuan shoved Su Xingchuan away and fled.

His lips were still faintly numb.

He leaned against the elevator wall, his whole body trembling and wouldn't stop. Seven years ago he could kiss a straight Su Xingchuan without a second thought. Now all he wanted was to run.

Seven years really had changed everything.

Xu Zhengdong had already made it to the old house when Li Xuan's call turned him back around.

Twenty minutes later, Xu Zhengdong found Li Xuan outside Xinchen Residence, eyes red and blurry with tears. He got out of the car fast, crossed to him, and bent down. 'Xiao Xuan. What happened?'

He'd heard it clearly on the phone — the sound of a kiss.

An intense one. Xu Zhengdong knew the difference.

One listen and he understood. So he'd tactfully hung up, and on the drive over he couldn't help shaking his head: wherever this pig had come from, it had managed to root around in their little cabbage patch twice now.

But the broken mirror hadn't mended itself back together — Li Xuan was crying again, eyes raw. Xu Zhengdong pulled him upright. 'Who hurt you?'

Li Xuan just kept shaking his head.

He couldn't believe what he'd done. He had kissed Su Xingchuan knowing full well Su Xingchuan had a partner.

If he'd done this seven years ago, he wouldn't have lost much sleep over it. But he wasn't that Li Xuan anymore. He knew how much damage his carelessness and selfishness could do to other people. He'd sworn he'd never be the one to blow up someone else's life.

And now he'd done exactly the most unforgivable thing.

Yes, Su Xingchuan had started it — but he'd gone along with it. He had. He'd curled his tongue around Su Xingchuan's.

They'd kissed so many times before. Su Xingchuan would know exactly what that meant.

He almost couldn't stand himself.

Li Xuan was curled up in his seat, not saying a word. Xu Zhengdong reached over and rubbed his hair gently, back and forth, until Li Xuan suddenly asked: 'Jiujiu, is being gay always something you're born with? Is there any chance someone could just... fall for a person, and it has nothing to do with gender?'

Xu Zhengdong had never really thought about it, but he said: 'Could be.'

Even jiujiu didn't have answer for that.

So maybe being'turned by someone was never really a thing to begin with. Even without Li Xuan, Su Xingchuan would've met some other guy — a Wang Xuan, a Chen Xuan — and figured it out eventually. He liked boys. That was just who he was.

Li Xuan was never special to Su Xingchuan. Not in that way.

'I'm so selfish,' Li Xuan said, eyes dropping.

'How could you say that?'

Li Xuan wiped the corner of his eye and watched the crowd moving past outside the window. 'I'm the one who broke up with him. And I still hoped he wouldn't fall for anyone else. That's pretty selfish. No wonder he said what he said.'

'He fell for someone?'

Li Xuan nodded.

Su Xingchuan had someone now. Someone who'd been in his home, who had their own pair of slippers waiting there.

Seven years ago, when Su Xingchuan used to take him to hotels, he'd always say the same thing — that someday he was going to buy a big place.

Li Xuan would be curled up against him, playing with his fingers, and he'd tip his head back and say, completely earnest: 'I already have a place. My mom invested in a property for me. Jiangwan No.1.'

Every time, something would dim in Su Xingchuan's expression. He'd pull Li Xuan closer and say: 'I know what I can give you probably doesn't come close to what your parents can. But I'll still try.'

'I don't want you to give me anything. I want to give things to you!'

At twenty, Li Xuan only knew how to be loved — he couldn't feel the quiet shame sitting underneath Su Xingchuan's words. He'd wrap his arms tight around Su Xingchuan's neck and tell him exactly how much he liked him, and Su Xingchuan would just stroke his back, voice soft: 'When I get a place, I'll do it up however you like. Put your name on the deed.'

Li Xuan already had so much love in his life. Su Xingchuan still wanted to give him more.

To Su Xingchuan, Li Xuan was like a beautiful Christmas tree — he just wanted to hang it full of gifts.

Li Xuan never really understood why Su Xingchuan was so hung up on the whole apartment thing. But it made him happy anyway.

He thought it was the best thing in the world — a bitter cold winter, a warm room, arms around Su Xingchuan, talking about what it'd be like when they finally lived together.

Sometimes Li Xuan would make his own little vow: 'Don't worry. I'm going to make real money too. I'll buy the furniture. I'm not letting you do this alone.'

Su Xingchuan grinned and teased him: 'What if Dr. Li does eight surgeries a day to support me? How's that sound?'

Li Xuan nodded, completely serious. 'Yeah, okay.'

Later, Su Xingchuan bought the apartment. Li Xuan became a doctor.

Everything had gone exactly as planned.

And none of it could be taken back.

The thought hit him, and the tears slipped from the corners of his eyes before he could stop them.

Xu Zhengdong looked puzzled. 'If you loved him that much, why did you break up?'

Li Xuan shook his head. 'I didn't want to,' he murmured. 'I didn't want to break up with him.'

Xu Zhengdong pressed further. Li Xuan said nothing.

Seeing he wouldn't talk, Xu Zhengdong tried a different angle: 'Xiao Xuan, what if your uncle sets you up with someone? How about it?'

'No.'

'He's a good one — same age as you, nice-looking, good head on his shoulders, works in investment banking. Don't you want to at least meet him? Uncle can make the introduction —'

'No!'

Li Xuan knew his own heart completely now. He said: 'I don't want any of it. Doesn't matter how good he is. No.'

He only wanted Su Xingchuan at twenty.

Or Su Xingchuan at twenty-seven, who still only had room for him.

.

Xie Liang got a call from Su Xingchuan in the dead of night.

Su Xingchuan's voice was rough. 'I think I've got a fever. I can't hold on. I need you to take me to the hospital.'

Su Xingchuan was always the one doing the helping. Xie Liang could call him about anything — even at two in the morning — and Su Xingchuan would show up.

Six, seven years of friendship, and this was the first time Xie Liang had ever gotten an SOS from him. He was barely awake, but he threw off the covers and got out of bed. 'It's fine, it's fine — just wait for me.'

By the time he pulled up to Xinchen Residence, Su Xingchuan was already downstairs, mask on, face drained of color.

Xie Liang hurried over and got him into the car.

'What happened?'

Su Xingchuan shook his head.

'It's not your ex, is it? I've noticed — ever since you two ran into each other again, you've been all over the place. Something's clearly off.'

He'd hit the mark. Su Xingchuan didn't bother denying it. Just let out a faint 'mm' barely above a breath.

Who else could wreck him like this? Only Li Xuan.

Three in the morning, Xie Liang got him to the hospital.

Fever of 39 degrees.

The cause: exposure to cold. After Li Xuan left, he'd sat alone in the open doorway for over an hour. Add to that several nights of no sleep from the incision pain, his body already run down — all of it piling up until his immune system just gave out.

Xie Liang remembered something. 'Doctor, he had surgery for a kidney stone a few days ago — could the incision be infected? That'd cause a fever too, right?'

The doctor checked him over. 'No infection.'

Xie Liang relaxed.

Su Xingchuan opened his eyes, foggy. 'Sorry to drag you out here. Go home — I'll be fine. I'll just lie here and finish the drip.'

'Stop being so polite about everything. It's fine.'

Xie Liang dragged a stool over to Su Xingchuan's bedside and couldn't help venting: 'Lao Yan's been in a weird mood lately. Probably because he didn't land that Zhongjin Group project — Xu Zhengdong played him like a fool, and now he's taking it out on all of us. I seriously don't want to go into that office anymore.'

'I'm done with the Zhongjin project.'

Xie Liang looked genuinely surprised. 'Why? You've been grinding away at this for nearly three months. You finally cracked the hardest part.'

Su Xingchuan stared at the ceiling and laughed, but it didn't reach his eyes. 'You know who Li Xuan's current boyfriend is?'

'Who?'

Su Xingchuan turned his head. 'Xu Zhengdong.'

'What?' Xie Liang's eyes went wide. 'The Xu Zhengdong from Zhongjin?'

'Which other Xu Zhengdong would it be?'

Xie Liang let out a long breath. 'No wonder... I'd heard ages ago that Xu Zhengdong was gay — wild when he was young, a regular at every club, reputation to match. And now he ends up with your clean-cut little ex? Couldn't have predicted that one.'

He was still talking when he caught Su Xingchuan's hands suddenly curl into fists. He shot to his feet. 'Hey, hey — easy, man your body, remember? You were almost healed!'

Su Xingchuan went still.

Xie Liang sighed. 'So if it's Xu Zhengdong — what are you going to do?'

'What do you mean, what am I going to do?'

'You and your ex. Is there still any chance of getting back together?'

'You think I still like him?' Su Xingchuan gave a cold laugh. 'Chase after someone who dumped me? I'm not that pathetic.'

Xie Liang narrowed his eyes. 'Yeah, you are.'

'..'

'And honestly? That's fine.' Xie Liang rubbed his chin, grinning. 'Dr. Li's face alone — worth fighting over, if you ask me.'

'I'm not fighting over anything.'

The night wore on. Su Xingchuan started fading, and Xie Liang ended up crashing on the empty bed next to him, fully dressed.

The next day, once the IV drip was done, Su Xingchuan's energy came back fast.

He was about to head out when it hit him. 'Today's actually a good day to get the catheter removed. Let me go book an appointment.'

Xie Liang asked, knowing perfectly well: 'Whose appointment?'

Su Xingchuan kept his face neutral. 'The surgeon's.'

Xie Liang smiled. 'Sure.'

Li Xuan was working the urology outpatient clinic that day.

Su Xingchuan got his number while there was still time — two patients ahead of him. Xie Liang finished his call and came back, and Su Xingchuan was just getting up when Xie Liang said, 'I'm coming in with you.'

'Why?'

Xie Liang grinned. 'I'm your family, aren't I? Family goes in with the patient. Totally normal. I'll get under his skin a little — and hey, he's got Xu Zhengdong, you've got me —'

Su Xingchuan looked down at him.

'Perfectly matched.' Xie Liang said it with complete confidence.

Su Xingchuan had no response to that.

Same as before — Consulting Room 3. Su Xingchuan walked up and knocked.

'Come in.' Li Xuan's voice came through the door.

Su Xingchuan reached for the handle and Xie Liang was already cutting in front of him, grabbing his arm and breezing into the room like he owned the place.

Li Xuan looked up and visibly froze when he saw the two of them.

Xie Liang went full performance mode on the spot — full concerned-family-member energy, hand draped over Su Xingchuan's shoulder, warm as anything. 'Dr. Li, our Xingchuan's here today to get his stitches out.'

'...It's a catheter.' Su Xingchuan corrected.

Xie Liang laughed it off. 'Oh right, right. The catheter.'

Su Xingchuan immediately regretted ever telling Xie Liang about Li Xuan and Xu Zhengdong. This was mortifying.

Li Xuan hadn't slept well — there were faint shadows under his eyes. When he saw Xie Liang drag Su Xingchuan in, his expression curdled completely. Su Xingchuan caught the tight set of his mouth.

Su Xingchuan thought: Li Xuan had really grown up.

Back then, whatever Li Xuan felt showed on his face immediately, no matter who was watching. Angry meant angry. Unhappy meant unhappy.

Now he'd learned to hold it in.

Su Xingchuan didn't find that reassuring. It made his chest ache.

He'd have preferred Li Xuan never learned that at all.

Li Xuan pulled on a mask and gloves, laid out the prepared solution and the cystoscope, and said to Su Xingchuan: 'Get on the bed.'

Su Xingchuan still felt a visceral unease at the sight of everything in Li Xuan's hands. He cleared his throat — he wanted to say something to break the tension — but facing Li Xuan, it felt awkward, and he thought better of it. He just lay down like he was told.

Xie Liang stirred things up from the side: 'Dr. Li, how long after the surgery before he can, you know — have sex again?'

Li Xuan's hands stopped.

Su Xingchuan felt a reflex bolt of guilt. He quickly smacked Xie Liang's sleeve to shut him up — but Xie Liang didn't get it at all, just grabbed his hand and said, 'It's okay, it's okay, relax.'

'..' Su Xingchuan cursed internally.

Li Xuan glanced over at Xie Liang's hand. When his gaze dropped, the loneliness on his face was hard to hide. 'About a month,' he said.

Xie Liang opened his mouth to say something else. Su Xingchuan had enough. 'Go wait outside.'

Xie Liang made a small noise. 'I'm just keeping you company.'

Su Xingchuan was about to push back when Li Xuan cut in, voice flat: 'Stop moving.'

Su Xingchuan turned his head. Their eyes met for a second.

Li Xuan looked away.

The warmth from last night hadn't quite left the air.

Su Xingchuan felt a flash of guilt — but then Li Xuan was standing there in that white coat, and god, that did something to him. He felt his throat move. Last night came rushing back. The way they'd held each other, the slow tangle of mouths, his jacket crumpled on the floor, their bodies pressed together so tight there was no space left between them—

It was hard not to replay it.

A dark little thought surfaced: he should've bitten Li Xuan's lip last night. Left a mark. Let Xu Zhengdong see it.

The charged air, the thrill of something stolen — it kept building. Su Xingchuan liked watching Li Xuan try to hold that stern face together. He liked watching Li Xuan's feelings shift because of him. At least it meant this wasn't a one-man show.

Li Xuan was jealous. He could see it plain as anything.

The satisfaction didn't last long.

A moment later, pain tore through him.

Getting the stent removed hurt worse than the catheter had — a lot worse. Su Xingchuan grabbed the edge of the bed and held on. The veins on the back of his hand stood up. He was certain Li Xuan was doing this on purpose.

How could it hurt this much?

He managed, through gritted teeth: 'Li Xuan. I'll admit last night was my fault. But you can't use this to settle personal scores.'

Li Xuan flicked a glance at him and kept working.

The pain crested past anything manageable. Su Xingchuan looked up at Li Xuan's face and the word just fell out of him: 'Bao bao.'

Li Xuan's eyes flickered.

It was what Su Xingchuan used to say when he was begging for mercy. Li Xuan had always been quick to jealousy, always taking it out on him over nothing, until Su Xingchuan would throw up his hands and give in: bao bao, okay, I was wrong.

He hadn't meant to say it. The word had just come out, and now the silence was awkward.

Right then Xie Liang pushed the curtain aside and walked in, perfectly on cue. 'Bao bao?' He looked delighted with himself. 'Xingchuan, were you calling me?'

Su Xingchuan: '…'

Li Xuan's face went flat. His grip tightened.

Su Xingchuan's forehead was slick with cold sweat, his lips gone white from the pain. He raised one shaking hand and pointed at Xie Liang. 'Get out.'