Chapter 7

Bringing Li Xuan home.

For Su Xingchuan seven years ago, that was a dream — simple and completely out of reach.

Back then he was just a regular student. He could take Li Xuan to hotels, but he couldn't always afford the good ones, and whenever they ended up somewhere cheaper, Su Xingchuan felt like he was shortchanging him. That was when he started wanting a place of his own.

His place. South-facing, full of light. Pure cotton sheets. A big fluffy velvet pillow — the kind a fussy sleeper would actually need.

It just took him until twenty-six to get there.

And technically, he hadn't bought it outright — his parents helped with the down payment, and he covered the mortgage every month. Still, it was his. Not a bad start for a regular person.

Su Xingchuan had always figured he was doing fine. Good-looking. Stable family. Got into a good school, landed a decent job, had his own apartment and car before thirty. No reason to feel like less than.

— That was, before he met Li Xuan.

With Li Xuan in the picture — seven years ago or now — he always felt like he hadn't done quite enough.

Su Xingchuan pointed at the building in front of them. 'I'm on the fifteenth floor. That window on the right — that's mine.'

Li Xuan made a soft sound, barely audible.

Li Xuan turned it over in silence: why wasn't he living with his boyfriend? Not serious enough? Su Xingchuan didn't seem like the hookup type. And that guy — he wasn't even that good-looking, had this aggressively straight energy. Was that Su Xingchuan's thing now? So then what about me? What am I even doing here?

He was still turning it over when someone took his wrist.

Su Xingchuan's hand closed around his wrist through the sleeve of his coat and steered him sideways. 'Steps are over here.'

Li Xuan's wrist went stiff. By then Su Xingchuan had already let go.

At the door, Su Xingchuan's hand stopped over the keypad. He glanced at Li Xuan.

Li Xuan had no idea what that was about.

Su Xingchuan looked back down and typed in the six digits. Li Xuan wasn't paying attention at first — but then the door swung open and he stepped forward to go in, and something snagged. That sequence... why did it feel familiar?

He couldn't place it.

But he didn't have the headspace to chase it down.

Because there were two pairs of slippers next to Su Xingchuan's shoe rack. Two pairs. Men's slippers.

Two pairs. Men's. Slippers.

Su Xingchuan noticed Li Xuan had stopped in the doorway and was about to ask why — then he saw where Li Xuan was looking. The gray slippers by the shoe rack.

His stomach dropped. He kept his face neutral.

Those slippers were Xie Liang's.

Last month a pipe burst at Xie Liang's place, bad enough that he had to pull up the bedroom floorboards for repairs, so he'd crashed at Su Xingchuan's for five days. He'd worn the guest slippers the whole time. He'd barely been gone when Su Xingchuan's health started acting up — days of hospital runs, back and forth — and the apartment still hadn't been properly tidied. The slippers had just sat there.

And there they were now. That gray pair, quiet by the shoe rack.

The same style as the navy ones Su Xingchuan had on.

'A friend stayed here for a few days,' Su Xingchuan said. He couldn't help himself. 'Just a friend. Those are the guest slippers.'

Li Xuan clearly didn't buy it.

He didn't want to wear them.

He didn't say so. Su Xingchuan could just tell.

Li Xuan had never been able to use things other people had touched — Su Xingchuan knew that about him. Such a princess about exactly these things.

Su Xingchuan dug through the shoe rack until he found a sealed hotel disposable pair and handed them over. Only then did Li Xuan put something on.

Su Xingchuan shut the door and went to turn on the lights in the living room.

Li Xuan turned back and stared at the gray slippers for a moment. Then he walked over and stomped on them twice, hard and kicked them to the side.

Su Xingchuan didn't catch any of that. He was already moving through the apartment, saying, 'Just finished the renovation in March.'

Li Xuan came into the living room.

Around a hundred and twenty square meters, modern minimalist — nothing unusual — and kept clean and neat. Su Xingchuan wasn't obsessive about it, but he'd always been tidy by habit. Back when they were together, Li Xuan would leave things wherever they fell and Su Xingchuan would follow behind putting them away.

Li Xuan did a quiet lap of the space. Aside from those slippers at the door, there wasn't much else that looked like anyone else lived here.

So, not a live-in partner. That was his read.

There was relief in that.

And yet — he felt worse.

Su Xingchuan poured a glass of water and set it on the coffee table. 'Doctor, because of what you said, I've barely let myself drink anything for days.'

Li Xuan thought back.

Right — he'd told Su Xingchuan to hold it and not use the bathroom.

'...'

Su Xingchuan poured himself another glass, rim hovering at his lips, and smiled. 'Can I drink now?'

Li Xuan turned away and ignored him. Then, after a long pause, he let it drop slowly: 'Drink plenty of water. Pears and bananas help too.'

'Got it. It's not as bad as it was at first, so — thanks, Dr. Li Skilled hands, and no hard feelings held against me.'

Su Xingchuan settled into the armchair off to the side, all politeness, as if they were just the most ordinary doctor and patient. Li Xuan's throat felt dry and rough. He reached out and took the glass, drinking long sip.

'I heard you did your postgrad abroad — your old roommate mentioned it. University of Pennsylvania, right?'

Li Xuan said nothing.

'After that I lost track — you stopped reaching out to your old roommates and they didn't know what you were up to either.' Su Xingchuan suddenly opened up and kept going. 'Oh, right — I'm still in touch with a few of them, actually. Li Chongyuan went back to his hometown in Chongqing. Ye Fei's doing his PhD at Beijing Medical University. And then there's—'

'Why are you still in touch with them?' Li Xuan cut him off.

Su Xingchuan could stay in contact with Li Xuan's roommates — but he'd never reached out to Li Xuan. Not once.

Su Xingchuan lifted a shoulder. 'No reason to burn those bridges. More friends, more doors open. Nothing wrong with that.'

It was only after they started dating that Su Xingchuan learned how badly Li Xuan got on with his roommates. Li Xuan was odd, couldn't take care of himself, never figured out how to live in close quarters with other people — he'd even gone to the student adviser at one point to apply for commuter status, just to get out of the dorms.

Su Xingchuan was the one who talked him out of it. He showed up at the dorm with bubble tea and snacks, worked the room, and had Li Xuan's roommates charmed inside of one visit. He had that easy warmth about him, the kind that made strangers feel like old friends. When Li Xuan stepped out to use the bathroom, Su Xingchuan turned to the others and said, 'You know how he is — he's basically a kid. I'll look after him. Just bear with him when you can, yeah?'

Li Xuan's roommates never exactly became his friends, but those last two years of university the tension had quietly bled out of things. Nothing like the standoffs from before.

All Su Xingchuan's doing.

Su Xingchuan knew everyone. He could strike up a conversation with a old man selling roasted sweet potatoes on the side of the road and still be talking five minutes later.

Li Xuan loved Su Xingchuan. He did not love Su Xingchuan's friends.

He wanted Su Xingchuan's world to revolve around him and no one else.

Back then. Still now.

Li Xuan said, sulkily, 'Does anyone actually need that many friends?'

'No. But without a petty, jealous boyfriend breathing down my neck, I'd probably have even more.'

That landed right where it hurt. Li Xuan shot to his feet, face like a storm rolling in, and turned to leave without a word.

Su Xingchuan didn't move. Just sat there.

Li Xuan couldn't get it out of his head — petty, jealous boyfriend. The phrase snagged on something from seven years ago and pulled, and the grief of it nearly stopped his breath.

He'd barely made it to the entryway when Su Xingchuan grabbed him back.

The room tilted.

Su Xingchuan had his arm, yanking him forward and pressing him against the wall. 'Was I wrong? You spent our entire relationship issuing warnings — don't talk to anyone from the basketball team, don't go to dinner with your childhood friends, don't work on any project with a girl — was any of that a lie? So what exactly are you so angry about?'

Li Xuan's eyes went red fast.

Su Xingchuan thought, with a sharp twist of jealousy: has Xu Zhengdong seen this too? That look — like a ragdoll cat with its feelings hurt.

'I think I did everything right,' Su Xingchuan grabbed Li Xuan's hand and pressed it flat against his own chest. 'Hand on your heart — was I ever bad to you? I put up with every mood, every little fit, every strange thing you did, no questions asked. From the day I knew what I felt, I did everything a boyfriend could do. I can say that cleanly — I gave this relationship everything it was owed. And what did I get? You walking out without a single word of explanation.'

The tears were building fast now, brimming at the edges.

'Why are you crying?' Su Xingchuan cupped his face, voice cutting through, question after question. 'What do you even have to cry about? I genuinely don't get it — you broke up with me. What are you so hurt over?'

'You moved on too,' Li Xuan said suddenly, loud.

Su Xingchuan blinked. The outburst caught him off guard.

'After the breakup you never came looking for me. Now you've moved on. What gives you the right to say anything?'

What a load of nonsense.

What, the person who got dumped was supposed to beg for a second chance, stay alone for the rest of his life — and only then would he have the right to ask questions?

'I'm settling old scores here!' Su Xingchuan said.

Su Xingchuan had him by the shoulders, grip brutal, and Li Xuan could feel the ache spreading up through his neck. He twisted, trying to get free — but Su Xingchuan knew him better than he knew himself. Every move Li Xuan telegraphed, Su Xingchuan was already there, cutting it off, pressing him back against the wall.

'I don't want to do this — I want to go home!' Li Xuan said, loud.

He shoved hard, but Su Xingchuan was immovable, solid as cast iron. The tighter Li Xuan pushed, the more Su Xingchuan bore down on him. Li Xuan thought about using his knee, then remembered the surgery, and stopped.

Su Xingchuan heard it — a small, choked sound.

Li Xuan was crying?

The one thing he could never stand.

He just wanted to know why. Why the breakup, all those years ago. And the future they'd mapped out together — did Li Xuan even still remember it?

He was right on the edge of softening when Li Xuan's phone rang.

Li Xuan came back to himself a beat late and pulled it out.

Xu Zhengdong.

Li Xuan answered. Xu Zhengdong's voice came through the speaker: 'Xiao Xuan, everything okay at the hospital?'

Li Xuan fumbled through it: 'Yeah, it's fine, there's just — a pretty serious emergency case that came in. I'll head back soon.'

He kept his head down the whole time, voice low, almost like he was whispering to Xu Zhengdong. Soft. Easygoing. The way he never was with anyone else.

It clicked for Su Xingchuan all at once.

Li Xuan had been in Xu Zhengdong's car when he spotted Su Xingchuan — so he'd gotten out, using'emergency at the hospital' as cover.

And Xu Zhengdong thought he was at the hospital right now.

It was absurd.

What was he, exactly?

What were these seven years?

He didn't know what snapped — maybe a wire crossing, maybe the alcohol still burning through him — but something ignited at the base of his chest, and without thinking Su Xingchuan grabbed Li Xuan's hand, and before Li Xuan could react, he cupped his face and kissed him.

Their lips caught and held. Su Xingchuan couldn't pull back.

He took ruthless advantage of the half-minute Li Xuan spent dazed, his arm sliding down slowly, wrapping around Li Xuan's waist and pulling him flush.

Li Xuan's body had always gone soft so easily — no bones, it seemed — and after a few rough adjustments from Su Xingchuan he was just melting against his chest, head tilted back, taking it. His hand pressed against Su Xingchuan's shoulder, pushing. It did nothing.

The call was still going.

Su Xingchuan heard Xu Zhengdong's voice through the speaker: 'Xiao Xuan? Xiao Xuan — why aren't you saying anything?'

Xu Zhengdong's voice pulled Li Xuan back for a second.

Then Su Xingchuan kissed him deeper, and he was gone again.

The call cut out.

The apartment went quiet. Every small sound between them expanded to fill it. Su Xingchuan felt Li Xuan stop fighting.

Su Xingchuan knew he was actually drunk.

He was ashamed of what he was doing. And the shame made it worse — made him want it more.