Chapter 5

Su Xingchuan barely slept that night.

The incision hurt too much to close his eyes, too much to move. All he could do was breathe through it every now and then and wait for the pain to ease.

He'd resigned himself to watching the ceiling until dawn when the guy in the next bed noticed and cheerfully struck up a conversation. 'First couple days after surgery it always hurts like hell. Pulling the catheter's worse. But neither of those is the worst part — the worst part is when you try to pee tomorrow. Buddy, it's like passing broken glass.'

Su Xingchuan went pale.

He couldn't even begin to imagine it.

'Hey, Xiao Su — how come you're on your own? What about that guy from this morning? Shouldn't he be keeping you company?'

'He's just a friend. Work thing tonight, couldn't make it.'

'No partner?'

Su Xingchuan smiled a little. 'No.'

'Good-looking guy like you? Come on. Too picky?'

Li Xuan came to mind. 'Haven't really moved on from the last one. Not ready yet.'

'That's real devotion,' the man said, his voice going earnest. 'You should put yourself out there again though. I'm not talking big picture — just think about right now, lying here after surgery. Having someone with you makes all the difference. This is no way to do it alone.'

Su Xingchuan made a sound of acknowledgment and left it at that.

It wasn't like he lacked people who could show up for him — money could buy a caretaker, that was easy enough. But finding someone to fill the hollow spot inside him? That was a different problem entirely. Mostly because he couldn't forget that one person.

Still couldn't.

He drifted in and out all night until the light came.

At some point he thought he felt someone cross the room and lean over his bed, a hand closing around his — but when he surfaced in the small hours there was no one there, just the neighbor's snoring looping through the dark.

Probably just a dream.

Li Xuan came at nine in the morning to pull the catheter.

They'd seen everything of each other countless times before, and yesterday there'd been a whole surgery — but when Li Xuan lifted the blanket and reached for his waistband, Su Xingchuan couldn't help it. He cleared his throat.

'Hey, hang on a second.'

Li Xuan stopped.

'I just — can I ask you something.' Su Xingchuan hesitated, glanced both ways, then dropped his voice. 'You work in andrology. You've seen so many guys, done so many surgeries. Does it ever just... kill the interest? Like, for that kind of thing?'

'Yes. I have no interest in you.'

'...' Su Xingchuan had walked right into that one.

Li Xuan moved to reach again. The moment his hand made contact, Su Xingchuan flinched and grabbed his wrist without thinking.

'Wait — just let me breathe for a second.'

The worst injury Su Xingchuan had ever had was a broken arm from basketball in middle school. He'd been young, and all he cared about was getting back to school to hang out with his friends. The fracture hadn't really fazed him.

He'd always figured he had a high pain tolerance.

He'd forgotten he was still holding Li Xuan's wrist. His thumb kept moving against the inside of it without him realizing, and he couldn't quite hide the edge of panic in his voice. 'Give me another thirty seconds.'

Li Xuan said, out of nowhere, 'Su Xingchuan. Have you thought about me? These past few years?'

Su Xingchuan's mind went blank. 'What?'

Li Xuan was standing at the edge of the bed, leaning in slightly. Su Xingchuan could see his profile clearly — the clean line of his nose.

What had he just said?

It hit him now, in this moment — the weight of actually being reunited. It wasn't a one-man show. Li Xuan wasn't just watching from the sidelines.

He was still processing it when a sharp pain tore through him below the waist.

Li Xuan had already pulled the catheter.

Clean and fast. No hesitation whatsoever.

A press. A pull.

Su Xingchuan cried out — couldn't help it. Cold sweat broke across his forehead.

'Done. Stay lying down.' Li Xuan said.

'………'

Su Xingchuan couldn't let him go. 'Li Xuan. What did you mean by that?'

First names. Both of them. Done pretending.

Li Xuan paused. 'Just trying to distract you.'

Su Xingchuan hated that ice-cold look of his. He pushed anyway. 'Then do you want to know — all these years apart — whether I ever thought about you?'

Li Xuan's composure slipped, just slightly. He looked a fraction less steady than a second ago.

The nurse came rushing in. 'Sorry, Mr. Su — I was supposed to come at nine to remove the catheter, I completely lost track — oh? Dr. Li, why did you come yourself—'

She froze at the bedside. Li Xuan's face stayed blank. 'It was on my way. Go on, you're busy.'

'Ah… oh…' She stood there staring at him.

The guy in the next bed came back too. The room filled with noise and movement, and the moment — that fragile opening where something real had almost surfaced — was gone.

Li Xuan lingered at the foot of Su Xingchuan's bed for a few seconds.

Neither of them said anything.

The nurse tried to lighten the air. 'Mr. Su,' she said brightly, 'you can check out this afternoon.'

Su Xingchuan curved his mouth into something like a smile. Didn't feel like one.

*

Su Xingchuan hadn't even had time to recover from the pain of Li Xuan's swift, merciless handiwork when the next problem arrived.

Two hours later, he was standing in the hospital room bathroom.

Now he understood what 'pissing razor blades' actually meant.

He finally got it. His buddy hadn't been exaggerating at all.

How was this any different from being sliced apart piece by piece?

Su Xingchuan stumbled against the wall, hissing through his teeth. There's always a bigger fish — and apparently, a worse pain.

A few minutes later.

Su Xingchuan tracked down Li Xuan's office. Xuan was alone inside, sorting through patient files. Su Xingchuan knocked and walked in.

Li Xuan looked up and went still for a second.

Before Li Xuan could even ask, Su Xingchuan cut straight to it: 'I'm peeing blood.'

'Normal.' Li Xuan dropped his eyes back to his writing.

'I —' Su Xingchuan stepped right up to him, picking a fight just to pick one. 'I think you're settling a personal score. I think you broke something.'

'You can file a complaint.'

'Li Xuan. Can you talk to me like an actual person?'

'I am talking to you like an actual person.'

The old Li Xuan would never have said that. When he used to get sulky and jealous and passive-aggressive, and Su Xingchuan would ask 'can you just talk to me normally' — he'd lunge. Sink his teeth into Su Xingchuan's neck. His favorite line back then was 'I'm going to bite you to death and then die with you.'

Su Xingchuan had always thought Li Xuan was a little unhinged — and loved him anyway. Now Li Xuan had become perfectly reasonable, and somehow that felt like looking at a stranger. He still wanted the spoiled little lunatic from before.

Li Xuan reached for the cup on his desk, about to drink, and Su Xingchuan shot forward and stopped him. 'Your heart's bad. Why are you drinking coffee?'

Li Xuan went slightly rigid.

Li Xuan had been premature. Bad heart since birth — premature beats, arrhythmia, iron-deficiency anemia. Su Xingchuan remembered it all better than Li Xuan did himself: what he couldn't eat, what he needed more of. Su Xingchuan had kept track of all of it. It's why he used to say dating Li Xuan was basically raising a kid.

'You look terrible.' Su Xingchuan suddenly noticed the dark circles under Li Xuan's eyes. 'Didn't sleep last night?'

Li Xuan set down the cup and turned away.

He had no intention of answering.

The silence curdled into something awkward. Su Xingchuan pulled his hand back, a little deflated. He'd pushed too hard, and Li Xuan wasn't biting.

Su Xingchuan couldn't wrap his head around it. Li Xuan was the one who'd walked out on him — heartless, no explanation — and now, seven years later, here he was, the one doing the coaxing. Was this just his lot in life?

'I'll go sort out the discharge paperwork in a bit,' Su Xingchuan said, flat.

The nurse had told him: if he was leaving this afternoon, all the paperwork had to be done by eleven-thirty.

'Mm.'

'Should I get some anti-inflammatories or something?'

'Mm.' Li Xuan started writing up the order. 'Come back in a week to have the stent removed.'

'Another procedure?' Su Xingchuan wilted completely.

Li Xuan nodded, calm.

'When do I come in for the follow-up?'

'Four weeks.'

'Do I book with you again?'

'Mm.'

Su Xingchuan didn't know what else to say. He stood there, caught between staying and going, then reached back and rubbed the nape of his neck.

Li Xuan never said another word.

Su Xingchuan had no choice but to leave.

He took a stack of paperwork down to handle the discharge. It went fast — the whole thing took under half an hour.

Xie Liang messaged him: [Need me to come pick you up?]

Su Xingchuan: [No, I drove.]

Xie Liang: [How's the ex?]

Su Xingchuan: [Couldn't wait to get rid of me.]

Xie Liang: [Rough. Move on, bro — there's always another fish in the sea, another door that opens.]

Su Xingchuan: [……]

Another door? Su Xingchuan thought: I haven't even made it through this one yet.

Discharge was still two hours out and Su Xingchuan was already going stir-crazy. He got up and started gathering his things. The guy in the next bed was leaving tomorrow too; his wife was peeling a mandarin and held out a wedge. Su Xingchuan smiled and waved it off. 'Thanks, but I really can't do fruit right now.'

'Just get through the next couple of days,' the man said, chuckling.

Su Xingchuan glanced up at the clock on the wall.

One hour left. His boss called — he'd need to tag along to Zhongjin Group the day after tomorrow.

'Got it.'

He hung up and the exhaustion hit him all at once.

These past few days in the hospital, watching Li Xuan, he'd half-convinced himself he was back in school — his head full of feelings, of the two of them. But adult life was never just about that. Mostly it was work.

If Li Xuan wasn't going to meet him halfway — if he was determined to treat them like strangers — then Su Xingchuan had no reason to keep pushing.

Fine. That's how it is, he thought.

And then, a few minutes later, Li Xuan walked in.

Su Xingchuan had already packed. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, scrolling through work emails on his phone.

The guy in the next bed called out: 'Dr. Li — what brings you here?'

'Just checking in,' Li Xuan said.

Su Xingchuan had barely turned around before Li Xuan was already pulling the curtain shut and stepping to his side. For a second Su Xingchuan didn't know what to do with himself. He put his phone down. 'What's wrong?'

'Still hurting?'

'A — a little.'

Li Xuan pulled on a pair of gloves. 'Lie down. Let me take another look.'

Su Xingchuan had just changed back into his pants and now they had to come off again. Something felt off, and he couldn't shake it — Li Xuan hadn't shown up earlier, hadn't shown up later, had ignored him completely at the office, and now here he was.

Li Xuan's fingertips were still cold.

And, pathetically, Su Xingchuan went still in his palm all over again.

'Doesn't look like it hurts that much.'

'...'

Honestly, you couldn't blame Su Xingchuan. Seven years single, and his ex still looked like that — what man could hold out?

'Some pain is normal. It'll ease off after a couple days. If the blood in your urine keeps up, contact me.'

Su Xingchuan kept his voice carefully neutral. 'How?'

He sat up and pulled his pants back on.

Li Xuan stripped off the gloves and reached for his phone. 'WeChat, I guess.'

Su Xingchuan was elated — but he kept his face blank. He opened his phone and said, with just enough edge in it: 'I figured you'd still have it. Then again, it's been seven years.'

He pulled up his QR code. Li Xuan scanned it.

Friend request accepted. Li Xuan's WeChat name and profile picture hadn't changed. Su Xingchuan already knew that.

His WeChat name was just Li Xuan. Profile picture: a little cat.

On sleepless nights he'd search for Li Xuan's account and check whether the profile picture had changed — his way of gauging how Li Xuan's new life was going.

His own name and picture hadn't changed either.

Su Xingchuan stole a quick glance at Li Xuan's Moments — nothing there except reposts from the hospital's public account. Something loosened in his chest. He pocketed his phone like it was nothing.

Exam done. WeChat added.

Li Xuan didn't seem to have any reason to linger. Su Xingchuan turned it over a few times and finally landed on something — a reason to stretch this out by a few more minutes.'Is there anything I should watch out for once I'm home?'

The nurse had already told him.

'Keep the sex to a minimum,' Li Xuan said.

Su Xingchuan went blank for a second. Then he was on his feet, almost before he knew it. 'I got this from work stress. That's why.'

Li Xuan's expression didn't move. 'Right Then ease up on the work stress. And keep the sex to a minimum.'

'...'

Su Xingchuan raised his hand. Put it back down.

A thousand things crowded up to his throat — and then that nurse's voice cut through.

'Last month for his birthday, this pretty good-looking guy showed up with a cake and handed out slices to everyone in the department.'

Li Xuan wasn't like Su Xingchuan. He'd always been into guys — and he was the clingy type, someone who needed to lean on another person.

Moving on after a breakup was normal for Li Xuan. Of course it was.

Su Xingchuan never should've let himself hope.

He knew Li Xuan had gotten the wrong idea about him and Xie Liang — and he'd let it happen on purpose. The truth was he'd never stopped thinking about Li Xuan, but he'd also been dumped out of nowhere, his pride gutted, and some part of him had always wanted to claw back a little ground. So he'd never corrected it. But watching Li Xuan standing there, so utterly indifferent, he suddenly felt the whole thing go flat. Maybe he was the only one still stranded back in that winter seven years ago.

'I'll head out, then.'

Su Xingchuan picked up his jacket.

Li Xuan stepped back to give him room.

Su Xingchuan didn't have much — everything fit in one bag. He walked past Li Xuan without stopping.

Cool and unbothered. Exactly how he'd imagined it.

Then he got to the parking lot and immediately regretted it.

He sat in his car and scrolled through Li Xuan's Moments from top to bottom. Li Xuan had it set to show only the past year, so there was a hard limit — Su Xingchuan couldn't see past it.

Which made him want to crawl out of his skin.

That same night, he caved and texted Li Xuan.

Su Xingchuan: [Dr. Li, it hurts every time I pee. What do I do?]

Li Xuan: [Hold it.]

Su Xingchuan: […]