Chapter 4

The surgery was done in under two hours.

When Li Xuan came out, Xie Liang was sitting on the bench outside the OR, phone to his ear, smiling.

Li Xuan pulled down his mask and looked him over.

Designer suit that didn't quite fit him right. Rolex on his wrist. The whole picture radiated the kind of vanity and self-satisfaction Li Xuan had zero patience for. He scoffed.

Xie Liang had just hung up when he caught Li Xuan in the doorway — scrubs, surgical green — out of the corner of his eye. He startled, jumped to his feet: 'Doctor, how did it go?'

Li Xuan didn't say a word. He walked right past him.

'Wow, rude,' Xie Liang muttered. Then he turned and saw Su Xingchuan being wheeled out.

The nurse called out: 'Family — can I get a hand over here?'

'Coming, coming!'

Li Xuan, a few steps down the hall, stopped dead. His expression darkened.

The nurse again: 'You're Su Xingchuan's family? Great — just put both hands here and wheel him straight back to the room.'

Family. That word carried a lot.

That person was Su Xingchuan's family.

A passing doctor glanced over. 'Dr. Li — you tired?'

Li Xuan shook his head and went back to his office alone.

Su Xingchuan slept straight through until past two in the afternoon.

Xie Liang leaned in: 'You up?'

'Mm.' Su Xingchuan pressed his fingers against his aching temples. His throat was still dry and raw. 'How long was I out?'

'Not that long. How do you feel?'

Sensation crept back into his body slowly, the pain sharpening piece by piece into something real. Su Xingchuan reflexively tried to lift his leg — and the soreness detonated in his lower half all at once. He almost called out for his mother.

'Shit —'

'That bad?'

Su Xingchuan sucked in a sharp breath. 'What do you think?'

Xie Liang burst out laughing.

Su Xingchuan glared at him. He shut up.

'Oh, and I thought your little boyfriend was the cold silent type, but he's actually a firecracker — when you came out at noon I went up to say hi and he didn't say a word, just turned and walked away,' Xie Liang thought for a moment, then added: 'He reminded me of that Xu Zhengdong from Zhongjin Group. Exact same energy.'

'That's just how he is. Not big on people.'

'I'm at least something like next of kin here.'

Next of kin?

'Who told you that?'

'The nurse. I helped wheel you back with her today — your ex was still around when we left the ward.'

'The nurse called you next of kin while he was still there?'

'He was just leaving. No idea if he heard.'

That snagged Su Xingchuan's curiosity. 'You said he turned and walked the second he saw you?'

'Yeah. All bristly about it.'

He still cares, Su Xingchuan thought. You only act out when something gets to you. If Li Xuan truly didn't care, they were just doctor and patient — nothing to get bristly about.

Good. The thought settled in Su Xingchuan's chest like a small, secret warmth.

*

Li Xuan never showed. Su Xingchuan lay there until evening, ordered a hospital meal, and sat up to eat it alone.

The young nurse looked over at him. 'Mr. Su — you're by yourself?'

'Yeah.'

'Is there anything I can help with?'

Su Xingchuan smiled a little. 'No, I'm fine. Thanks for asking. Dr. Li — is he still busy?'

The nurse glanced at the time. 'Dr. Li should be off by now.'

'Off already.' A small dip of disappointment.

Right. Half past seven. Of course he was.

Sitting up had pulled at the incision, and the pain was bad enough that Su Xingchuan called a nurse to bring him something for it. Once the shot kicked in he just lay there, staring at nothing — thinking about work at first, about that impossible contract and when the hell Xu Zhengdong was finally going to sign it, and then, the way it always went, his mind drifted and he was thinking about Li Xuan.

Their first meeting.

Su Xingchuan had never thought of himself as gay by nature. He remembered clearly — back in middle school he'd liked girls, had received love letters and felt nothing but flattered. Before Li Xuan, the question of his orientation had genuinely never crossed his mind.

He was convinced. Li Xuan had turned him.

They'd met for the first time in a narrow, poorly-lit alley.

It was dusk. Li Xuan was cornered by a group of guys — the one in front had him by the collar, voice dropping to something mean: 'You blind? You walked into Brother Lei. You know that?'

Su Xingchuan had been heading back from dinner with friends from the club. They passed that alley and caught the voices.

'All we want is an apology. What, your mouth broken? You need me to slap it open for you?'

Su Xingchuan stopped walking. Narrowed his eyes into the dark.

It was already night by then.

Midsummer. The air was hot and thick with humidity.

Su Xingchuan caught the punch before it landed and yanked Li Xuan behind him. They fought — messy, quick. Su Xingchuan had taekwondo training and a solid build on his side, plus a little liquid courage from the dinner drinks. He had those guys scattered in under a minute.

The thugs took off. Su Xingchuan turned around.

In the dim alley, Li Xuan's eyes were bright. His face was small — a sharp little chin, delicate features.

Su Xingchuan caught his breath. 'You okay?'

Li Xuan didn't answer.

Su Xingchuan waved a hand in front of his face. 'Hey — you with me? Shaken up?'

Li Xuan lifted his right hand and held it out toward him.

Su Xingchuan blinked, then looked down.

Too dark to see. He pulled out his phone and shone the light on it.

A bright red gash ran across the back of that pale hand. It looked bad.

Su Xingchuan swung the light past Li Xuan toward the wall. A shard of broken glass sat in the dirt near the base — tip dark with blood.

Must've caught it when the guys shoved him around.

Li Xuan showed him the wound like it was the most natural thing in the world, and Su Xingchuan took him to the hospital like it was too. It wasn't until they were at the ER registration desk that Su Xingchuan thought to ask: 'What's your name?'

Li Xuan pulled out his ID and handed it over.

Still no words. Just those clear, black-and-white eyes, fixed on Su Xingchuan.

Su Xingchuan felt something tighten in his chest. Was he mute?

Poor kid, Su Xingchuan thought.

He brought Li Xuan to the treatment room to get bandaged up. When the nurse started cleaning the wound, she told him: 'This'll sting a little — just hold still.'

Li Xuan didn't flinch. But he looked up at Su Xingchuan. Su Xingchuan had been texting his roommate — caught that look out of the corner of his eye and nearly dropped his phone.

He pointed at himself. 'You want me?'

That came out wrong. Su Xingchuan tried again: 'You scared of the pain? What do you want me to do?'

The nurse talked him through it: 'Hold his head, cover his eyes, and keep a hold on his other hand.'

'...Huh?'

Su Xingchuan drifted over in a daze. Li Xuan leaned into him without fuss and buried his face in Su Xingchuan's stomach.

Su Xingchuan's brain slowed to a crawl.

Li Xuan's hair was soft — not quite black, more of a warm brown under the light, all fluffy and loose. Nothing like a guy's hair was supposed to feel.

Every small breath pushed warm air through the thin cotton of his T-shirt and onto Su Xingchuan's stomach. That warmth spread. His brain flatlined. He was pretty sure he was evaporating.

He couldn't even bring himself to take Li Xuan's other hand.

Thank god the nurse was quick. 'All done.'

Su Xingchuan felt like a man reprieved.

He touched the back of his neck. Completely damp.

Li Xuan just stared down at his own hand, all wrapped up and round as a little pig's trotter.

The quiet little kid, all banged up — Su Xingchuan couldn't stand it. He crouched down in front of him. 'It'll heal fast, don't worry.'

Li Xuan lifted the pig's-trotter hand toward him.

Su Xingchuan bumped it gently with his fist. 'Not too shaken up, right?'

Li Xuan shook his head.

They were heading out of the hospital, almost back to school, when Su Xingchuan realized with a jolt — Li Xuan went to the same university he did.

Li Xuan was a second-year med student. Su Xingchuan was in finance, also second year.

What were the odds. Su Xingchuan watched Li Xuan disappear into the dorm building.

He'd figured it was just a one-off — then ran into Li Xuan at the basketball court the very next day.

Su Xingchuan had been going hard on the court, drenched in sweat. He'd just scored, and they'd called a break, so he grabbed the hem of his jersey and wiped his face — and when he looked up, there was Li Xuan, sitting in the bleachers across the way.

Li Xuan was staring straight at him.

His abs, specifically.

'…' Su Xingchuan walked over. 'What are you doing here?'

The gauze wrapped around Li Xuan's right hand was seeping yellow antiseptic. His left hand held a bottle of cola. He held it out to Su Xingchuan.

'Your hand —'

Su Xingchuan got halfway through the sentence before a tall girl materialized beside him, lobbing a bottle of water his way. 'Xingchuan, BBQ tonight?'

'Who else is coming?'

'Huizi, Hang Bin. Same place — the crawfish spot on Back Street.'

'Got it.'

Su Xingchuan twisted the cap off the water and took a sip. He hadn't even swallowed when he heard Li Xuan ask, cold and flat: 'Is she your girlfriend?'

The water went straight down the wrong pipe. Su Xingchuan spun away and hacked through a coughing fit, face going red. When he finally got himself together he cranked his voice up: 'You — you can talk! I was starting to think you were mute.'

'Is she your girlfriend?' Li Xuan asked again.

'No.'

'Then why didn't you drink mine?'

Only then did Su Xingchuan clock it — Li Xuan's left hand was still holding out the cola. Had been, ever since Su Xingchuan walked over.

A small, inexplicable guilt crept in. He took the cola immediately. 'I thought you were asking me to open it for you.'

He'd barely started to say thanks when Li Xuan was already gone.

He was wearing a white tracksuit, frame slight inside it, his injured right hand tucked into the sleeve.

Su Xingchuan watched him go. A friend came up and knocked his shoulder. 'What are you staring at?' Su Xingchuan snapped back to himself — but just before he headed onto the court, he couldn't help one last look. Li Xuan had already disappeared.

Weird kid.

Still weird, all these years later.

Su Xingchuan found himself wondering whether whoever Li Xuan was with now had patience for him. Whether they thought the way Li Xuan was — all that quiet strangeness — was kind of endearing too.

But if Li Xuan had found someone good — someone really good — did that mean their story was finally, completely over?

No.

Su Xingchuan jolted awake.

Still in the hospital.

Four white walls. The ward was relatively quiet, but footsteps drifted in from the corridor every now and then — irregular, unhurried.

Being stuck in a hospital did something to your head.

He'd been dreaming constantly lately, waking up more exhausted than before he'd slept. Su Xingchuan pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose — and caught a familiar silhouette at the edge of his vision.

He didn't dare look directly. Afraid to spook them.

The figure noticed he was awake and shifted slightly, but didn't leave. Only then did Su Xingchuan lower his hand.

Li Xuan was standing at the foot of the bed. No telling how long he'd been there.

'What are you doing here?'

Li Xuan's expression was distant. 'Checking on your recovery.'

'It hurts,' Su Xingchuan said.

Su Xingchuan hadn't meant it as a plea for comfort — but said to an ex, it came out a little like one. Li Xuan was quiet for a few seconds. 'It's going to hurt for a couple days. That's normal.'

Once upon a time, it would've been the other way around.

Li Xuan would've been the one hurting, and Su Xingchuan would've been coaxing him back in a soft voice.

He was still turning that over in his head when he noticed the sky outside had gone dark. By now Li Xuan should've been off hours ago. 'Why are you still here?'

'On call tonight.'

'Oh.'

Silence settled between them again.

Then Li Xuan's phone went off. He pulled it out and answered. Su Xingchuan caught the faint sound of a young man's voice on the other end — couldn't make out the words — and then Li Xuan said, 'Yeah, got it. I'll head back early tonight.'

That tone. Warm. Easy.

So how come back then he used to boss me around like I was nobody?

Su Xingchuan's mood curdled. He turned to look out the window.

The call was short. Li Xuan slipped his phone back into his coat pocket and said, 'Tomorrow morning, around nine — I'll come remove the catheter.'

'Oh.'

Su Xingchuan deliberately picked up his phone and called Xie Liang.

Li Xuan turned and walked out.

In the hallway, a passing nurse spotted him and frowned. 'Dr. Li — isn't Dr. Wang on call today?'

'We swapped,' Li Xuan said.