Chapter 25

Poor Dr. Li got bullied by his terrible patient for a good long while. By the end his lips were swollen. He pressed both hands against Su Xingchuan's shoulders and glared. 'Are you insane?'

Su Xingchuan pinched his ass. 'Still talking nonsense?'

'I was being honest,' Li Xuan said, genuinely offended. 'You're so petty.'

Su Xingchuan raised an eyebrow. 'I'm petty?'

Li Xuan clocked the danger immediately. He scrunched his nose and folded. 'Okay. Dropping it.'

Su Xingchuan couldn't help laughing. He brushed the corner of Li Xuan's mouth with his thumb, and after a moment actually apologized: 'You're right, I'm petty. How could I ever question Dr. Li's medical judgment? If Dr. Li says wait a month, I wait a month. No complaints.'

Li Xuan made a small, unconvinced sound.

Su Xingchuan figured male pride mattered, but not as much as this — not as much as being soft with Li Xuan. He let it go. 'Let me clean up the tub and run you a bath. Yeah?'

Li Xuan forgave him. Grudgingly.

Su Xingchuan went into the bathroom to get things ready. Li Xuan wandered around the apartment alone, taking stock — like he was surveying territory that belonged to him.

Last time he'd only caught a quick glimpse. He hadn't had the chance to actually look at the place.

Su Xingchuan had a thing about cleanliness. The furniture ran mostly white, and the whole apartment looked spotless. In the living room, a stack of documents and files sat piled on the coffee table, some of them left open halfway through — you could tell he stayed busy. Li Xuan looked up, and that's when he noticed it: a small ceramic cat inside the little cabinet on the liquor shelf.

To be precise — a ceramic cat that had been broken and put back together.

He walked over and picked it up.

The repair job was rough. No craft to it at all.

One ear was still missing a corner.

Su Xingchuan came out to find Li Xuan turning the cat over in his hands. He wrapped his arms around him from behind and came clean: 'I got the wrong idea about you and your uncle. After you left that day I smashed it. Regreted it the next morning, bought some glue, and put it back together piece by piece. I just — didn't want the cat to be mad at me.'

Li Xuan ran his thumb along the cracks in the glaze.

'The cat says — fine. You're forgiven.'

Forgive a mother who always had a favorite. Forgive yourself for being a coward. And forgive seven years of two people too proud to bend, suffering for it in silence.

The little cat was covered in cracks. Li Xuan traced them carefully with his fingers.

Su Xingchuan laughed softly. 'Stop touching it, you'll cut yourself.'

'Hasn't your mom called you?'

Su Xingchuan frowned. 'She should have. I don't know what's going on — not a single call all afternoon.'

Li Xuan felt a quiet knot of worry settle in.

Su Xingchuan pressed a soft kiss to his ear. 'It's too late tonight. I'll call them in the morning. Don't worry.'

Li Xuan set the little cat back in its place, careful as anything.

He went into the bathroom and undressed. Su Xingchuan came in with a spare set of pajamas and found him standing at the edge of the tub — shirt off, two bare legs, long and lean and well-proportioned, not skinny. He was trying to figure out where to put his clothes. Su Xingchuan walked over and took them from him.

Su Xingchuan was still fully dressed. Li Xuan had nothing on. He felt a flicker of self-consciousness at first — but it didn't last. They'd seen each other like this seven years ago. He lowered himself into the tub and let out a long, contented sigh.

Every knot of anxiety and hurt from the weeks since they'd found each other again — the water swallowed it all. Li Xuan turned his head and saw Su Xingchuan dragging a small wooden stool in from the living room, then settling down beside him.

'Is the temperature okay?'

Li Xuan just looked at him.

Somehow, without quite deciding to, they were kissing again.

Like neither of them could ever get enough.

'Back then I didn't have much money,' Su Xingchuan said. 'Three hundred a night for that hotel. I always felt like I was shortchanging you.'

Li Xuan shook his head. He couldn't understand why Su Xingchuan carried something that heavy. He leaned into his shoulder and said, 'But I was so happy. Every single day.'

He meant it.

Seven years ago, the first time Su Xingchuan took Li Xuan to a hotel.

They were both completely new to it. Su Xingchuan fumbled through check-in for what felt like forever. When he finally pulled Li Xuan into the elevator, Li Xuan suddenly turned and buried himself in Su Xingchuan's arms — tilting his head back, looking up at him with those eyes.

Su Xingchuan smiled. 'What's wrong?'

Li Xuan rose onto his toes and kissed him.

Time stopped for one second.

Su Xingchuan's throat moved. 'You really —'

Really were going to be the death of him.

Once they were inside, Su Xingchuan pulled the supplies he'd packed in advance out of his bag. He was going for casual. He was not feeling casual. 'You — you go use this?'

Li Xuan said, 'I don't know how.'

Su Xingchuan blinked. 'What?'

Given everything — the flirting, the teasing, all of it — he'd assumed Li Xuan knew how this worked between two guys. Apparently Li Xuan knew nothing. Su Xingchuan was still standing there in the middle of that particular awkwardness when Li Xuan pulled out his phone with complete seriousness. 'I don't know how. I'll look it up.'

Five minutes later, they were sitting side by side on the edge of the bed watching a video.

Somewhere in the middle of watching, the atmosphere shifted. Li Xuan noticed Su Xingchuan staring at the screen with his full, focused attention — and that was all it took. Jealousy hit immediately. He flung the phone aside and tackled Su Xingchuan flat onto the bed.

Su Xingchuan caught his waist. 'What now, your highness?'

'You are not allowed to get interested in videos like that!'

'I only got turned in the first place because of you —'

Li Xuan bit him. 'So you can only be interested in me! If turning you means you're suddenly interested in every guy out there, then I'm not special at all, I don't matter at all!'

In moments like this Li Xuan was pure tyranny, and his jealousy had a way of leaving Su Xingchuan completely speechless. But Li Xuan always caught himself — decided he'd been too fierce — and deflated just as fast, going soft and a little pitiful, draping himself across Su Xingchuan's chest, fingertips tracing idle patterns against his neck.

The rational part of Su Xingchuan knew he shouldn't indulge these moods. That part had absolutely no power where Li Xuan was concerned.

He gave in first. As always.

He wrapped his arms around Li Xuan and said, quietly, 'I don't like guys. I don't like girls. I only like you. Is that good enough?'

Li Xuan was satisfied.

By the time they'd finally gotten through all the prep and showered and made it to bed, Li Xuan was already half asleep — yawning one after another, eyes drooping. This time, Su Xingchuan didn't let him sleep.

Li Xuan was fussy in everyday life, but in bed he was fine.

Just couldn't stop crying.

Su Xingchuan would finish and then spend forever coaxing him back down.

'Su Xingchuan. What are you thinking about?'

Li Xuan's voice pulled him out of it. Su Xingchuan turned, and there was Li Xuan cupping a handful of water and splashing it at him, looking thoroughly aggrieved. 'You're spacing out on me?'

Su Xingchuan came back to himself. 'I was thinking about before.'

Li Xuan went still. A beat passed — then he squinted. 'Am I not interesting enough for you right now?'

Su Xingchuan laughed despite himself. 'Where does all this jealousy even come from, babe?'

Li Xuan turned his face away.

'Let me wash your hair,' Su Xingchuan said. 'Yeah?'

Li Xuan glanced over, all lazy warmth, a smile tucked behind his eyes and a smugness he wasn't even trying to hide. His skin was already pale, but the steam had flushed it through — white going pink — and the wet strands clinging to his forehead lay soft and flat, making his eyes look like black grapes soaking in water.

He tilted his head back, watching Su Xingchuan upside down.

A slow blink. The corner of his mouth curved up.

Su Xingchuan had genuinely lost track of whether Li Xuan was doing a bit or just being himself. He squeezed shampoo into his palm, worked it into a lather, and spread it through Li Xuan's hair — dutiful, uncomplaining — while Li Xuan directed him: 'Scratch the left side. Now the right.'

Li Xuan closed his eyes, perfectly content.

Right after the breakup, Su Xingchuan had sunk into it — that specific misery of losing someone — and couldn't find the energy to care about anything.

Yu Qinglan, trying to drag him back to the surface, rounded up their closest friends for dinner. They sat around Su Xingchuan and went through Li Xuan's failures as a boyfriend, point by point.

'What did you even get out of that relationship? From where we were standing, all we ever saw was you giving. You ran around after him like a babysitter — carrying his bag for him, seriously? He's our age. He's not a child.'

But to Su Xingchuan, Li Xuan was a child.

Taking care of him was something Su Xingchuan chose. Gladly.

Only the person drinking knows if the water's hot or cold.

Maybe that's just how love is.

Su Xingchuan had always thought he had a good relationship with his parents. He was filial, they were gentle, nobody asked too much of anyone, nobody crowded anyone else's space — a textbook parent-child dynamic. But then Li Xuan came along, and he realized what he'd actually wanted all along was someone who loved him by burrowing all the way into his life. Closer than that. More dependent than that. Someone who actually knew him.

And now it hit him: he didn't really know his parents either.

He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Li Xuan's forehead. Li Xuan opened his eyes and put on annoyed face. 'What do you think you're doing?'

Su Xingchuan smiled. 'Harassing Dr. Li a little.'

'Dr. Li is going to put your kidney stone back.'

Su Xingchuan didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

'That's so cruel, Dr. Li.'

Li Xuan scoped up a handful of water and splashed it right at him.

.

After they'd cleaned up, Li Xuan went back to the room to wait. Su Xingchuan followed soon after, still warm and damp from the shower, and climbed into bed.

Li Xuan was lying there flipping through one of the books from Su Xingchuan's nightstand.

Su Xingchuan shoved his face straight into the curve of Li Xuan's neck and nuzzled in, burrowing closer. Li Xuan squirmed — too ticklish — and had to put the book down.

He was wearing Su Xingchuan's pajamas, sleeves and legs both a size too long. Su Xingchuan slipped a hand inside one sleeve and ran his fingers around Li Xuan's narrow wrist, and then that touch started drifting somewhere else entirely, his other hand sliding downward. Li Xuan stopped him. 'No. We're waiting until next month.'

'So I don't get any Xuanxuan for the rest of the year?'

Dramatic. New Year's was three, four days away at most.

If he couldn't have the whole thing, he'd settle for a bite.

It would have to do.

It was late. Su Xingchuan got a warm towel and cleaned Li Xuan up gently, then pulled him back into his arms. Li Xuan asked, out of nowhere, 'Can you do that thing you used to do? To help me fall asleep?'

Su Xingchuan didn't follow. 'Before?'

'Like you used to. After. When you'd talk me down to sleep.'

Su Xingchuan's eyes narrowed. He thought about it for a long moment, then asked, voice low: 'Are you mocking me?'

'...No I'm not.'

Li Xuan gave him a look. 'You're so petty.'

It was just two weeks. Li Xuan didn't get why Su Xingchuan cared so much — same way he'd cared so much back then about buying a big apartment, refusing to let Li Xuan stay in a hotel.

He looked at him. A few seconds of silence.

Then it clicked. Probably, still, just because he loved him.

'Idiot.' He burrowed into Su Xingchuan's arms.

Su Xingchuan turned off the light and wrapped an arm around Li Xuan, the two of them settled against each other. The night deepened. Stars and moon both out. Up this high you couldn't hear the street below, only the wind — a low, heavy sound, the way winter wind always is.

Li Xuan, as if he were cold, slipped his hand onto Su Xingchuan's stomach.

'Bao bao.'

Su Xingchuan said it out of nowhere. Li Xuan froze for a second — then went quietly red at the tips of his ears.

Li Xuan had never told Su Xingchuan: the part he'd always looked forward to most wasn't checking into the room. It was after.

When the high wore off and the endorphins faded, Su Xingchuan would clean him up, then disappear into the bathroom — and that sudden drop in warmth always left Li Xuan with this unsteady feeling. But then Su Xingchuan would come back, right on time, and pull him close again.

That was when Li Xuan felt it most — what it actually meant to love someone.

Seven years later, and the thing Li Xuan had carried with him the whole time was still that one word. Bao bao.

Twenty-seven. Probably too old for it, honestly.

Some of his colleagues their age already had kids, already deep into a whole other chapter of life. But some part of Li Xuan had never moved past twenty — still waiting there for Su Xingchuan to come bring him home.

Su Xingchuan pulled him in by the shoulder, squeezed his arm, worked a hand gently at his waist, then held him tight.

'A couple years ago I saw something online — said if you dream about someone three times in a row, it means your fate with them is over. Scared the hell out of me.'

'Three times? Try losing count.'

Li Xuan stared at the buttons on Su Xingchuan's pajamas.

'For a while I was actually scared to fall asleep.'

'And then?'

'And then I dreamed about you again. In the dream you told me — Su Xingchuan, we're not like other people. Dream about me enough times and we'll find each other again.'

Li Xuan tucked his face into Su Xingchuan's shoulder.

'How were you still bossing me around when were broken up?'

Su Xingchuan patted his back.

'Because you like me.'

Su Xingchuan laughed softly. 'Yeah. Because I like you.'

His voice was low and gentle. The drowsiness crept up on Li Xuan almost immediately. Su Xingchuan echoed him, matching his tone: 'Like you so much.'

Li Xuan shifted, using Su Xingchuan's arm as a pillow. His breathing slowly evened out.

The next morning.

It was the weekend, so Li Xuan slept until the sun was halfway across the sky.

Su Xingchuan had breakfast ready and had to coax him twice before Li Xuan finally dragged himself upright — cheeks flushed from sleep, hair a mess, eyes drifting blankly around the room. Su Xingchuan sat down beside him.

'Amnesia?'

Li Xuan tilted his head at him.

Su Xingchuan smiled. 'Good morning, baby.'

That did it. Li Xuan's eyes slowly came alive. He crawled over and gave him a kiss.

Su Xingchuan, thoroughly satisfied, grabbed Li Xuan's things. 'Your clothes and underwear are washed and dried. You can put them straight on.'

Li Xuan lazily stuck out his hand.

Obviously: help me put them on.

Su Xingchuan was happy to oblige, but he couldn't help muttering. 'What's going to happen when I'm old? Who's going to dress you then?'

Li Xuan pouted and said, very deliberately, 'I'll just find some young cutie to take care of me.'

Su Xingchuan raised an eyebrow. Said nothing.

He threaded Li Xuan's legs through the pants.

Li Xuan watched his face and suddenly felt a little nervous. Su Xingchuan looked... off.

He used to tease Su Xingchuan like this all the time and the worst he'd get was a punishing kiss. So why did it actually land this time?

Was it because he couldn't... perform right now?

Probably. Su Xingchuan wasn't twenty anymore, and his ego on that front was probably a lot more fragile these days.

Li Xuan wanted to say something, but he had zero experience coaxing Su Xingchuan out of a mood. He hooked his finger around Su Xingchuan's. Su Xingchuan hooked back — but still didn't say a word.

Li Xuan panicked.