Chapter 18

Su Xingchuan took a cab back to campus.

He didn't dare stop, didn't dare text Li Xuan — scared of the reply he might get, scared he'd lose his nerve and bolt — just dragged his suitcase all the way to Li Xuan's dorm building without pausing once.

Then, only then, he made himself call.

It rang a few times before Li Xuan finally picked up.

'What do you want?' Pouty. Agrieved.

Not cold. Not deliberately distant. Just that bruised hurt that slips out after you've been turned down one too many times — a little sulk, nothing more.

The knot in Su Xingchuan's chest finally let go.

All an act.

Him pretending not to care. Li Xuan pretending to give up.

Both of them just testing the water.

'I'm downstairs,' Su Xingchuan said.

Silence on the other end. A full half minute. Then Su Xingchuan heard a door, footsteps on stairs, quick unsteady breathing — and the next second Li Xuan came bursting out of the building.

Straight to him.

Eyes red. Nose red.

Su Xingchuan thought: he looks so wrecked. Loving someone does that to you.

'Weren't we supposed to just be friends?' Su Xingchuan asked.

Li Xuan said nothing.

Su Xingchuan leaned in slightly, meeting his eyes. 'I thought after you sent that message, you were done with me completely.'

Li Xuan grabbed the handle of Su Xingchuan's suitcase and yanked it toward himself — not letting him leave — equal parts sulk and barely concealed triumph. 'If you'd walked out today without saying a single word, I would've been done with you.'

That tone. That familiar, unmistakable tone. Something in Su Xingchuan settled all at once.

'How many days until your birthday?'

'The fifth. July fifth.'

Su Xingchuan did the math. 'Four days.'

Li Xuan looked at the suitcase and suddenly remembered. 'Wait — weren't you at the station? What about your train?'

'No time to get a refund. I just came back.'

The tips of Li Xuan's ears went red. He fumbled for words. 'What do you mean no time? You could've changed the ticket.'

'I was worried someone was crying in their dorm room.'

Anyone else would've said: I was not crying.

But Li Xuan wasn't anyone else.

'I was,' he said immediately. 'I felt terrible.'

Su Xingchuan couldn't help it. He laughed.

Li Xuan shot him a look. 'Don't laugh.'

'Where's the cake?' Su Xingchuan pinched his ear. 'Come on, let's go eat. We'll celebrate early.'

Li Xuan didn't move.

'What?'

Li Xuan asked quietly, 'Are you — leaving right after my birthday?'

'Maybe,' Su Xingchuan said, deliberately vague. 'Depends.'

Something went out of Li Xuan's eyes.

'Depends on whether there are any tickets back to Ling'an.'

Li Xuan immediately snatched Su Xingchuan's phone and shoved it into his own pocket, then said, unconvincingly, 'There aren't. No tickets. All sold out.'

Su Xingchuan didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Li Xuan kept his head down and asked, almost to himself: 'Su Xingchuan. Can you not leave today?'

'Not leave — and do what?'

Li Xuan took a step forward, slowly closing the distance, nearly leaning into Su Xingchuan's chest before he stopped. He looked up, and their eyes met — that same gravity pulling between them. Both of them read something in each other's gaze that hadn't been there before. Li Xuan parted his lips, just slightly: 'Can we date for one day?'

Su Xingchuan went still.

He should've known. Really, from the very beginning — from that narrow, dim little alley — he'd already been caught.

Li Xuan's tricks weren't even subtle. Too obvious. All his scheming lived in his eyes. Just wear him down, push a little further, buy one more day if he could. And Su Xingchuan had never once been able to say no.

Li Xuan didn't have much confidence in that. He mumbled, 'Just one day. By this time tomorrow you can go home.'

Su Xingchuan's heartbeat was so loud he could barely think.

One day. What would happen? He had no idea.

A few seconds of silence. Then: 'Okay.'

Li Xuan's smile broke through instantly.

Su Xingchuan thought: as long as he doesn't cry, anything's fine.

Li Xuan left Su Xingchuan's suitcase by the dorm supervisor's door, then went back upstairs, grabbed the cake, and brought it down to Su Xingchuan.

A five-inch chocolate cream cake. Nothing too big.

Two little figurines on top.

Su Xingchuan took it.

Li Xuan was not pleased. 'You're not even going to look at them?'

Su Xingchuan lifted it up to look. Two little boys, sitting side by side. No surprise there. He laughed softly. 'How did you explain that to the bakery?'

'You don't have to explain anything. You just pay more.'

'…'

He was just about to head out when he caught Li Xuan in his peripheral vision — standing completely still. Su Xingchuan turned back, confused. Li Xuan was still next to the suitcase, head tilted, watching him. It took Su Xingchuan a second. 'What's wrong?'

Then Li Xuan reached out his hand, and it clicked.

Right. Boyfriend for a day.

That included holding hands while they walked.

Su Xingchuan sometimes thought Li Xuan was just built to undo him. One day of dating — only he would come up with something like that.

He took Li Xuan's hand.

Li Xuan immediately hoked his fingers in, their hands locking tight. Su Xingchuan tugged, and Li Xuan came with it, pulled right up in front of him.

Li Xuan latched on instantly.

He really was impossibly clingy — pressed against Su Xingchuan's arm the whole way there, and then at the restaurant he wanted to sit on the same side.

Su Xingchuan said, 'Go sit across from me.'

Li Xuan shook his head without hesitation. 'No.'

Su Xingchuan gave up and set the menu in front of him.

'Order.'

Li Xuan tilted his head. 'You're paying?'

'Yeah, I'm paying.' Su Xingchuan told him: 'I've got my scholarship money. One good day for you — I can cover that. Unless you want king crab and geoduck, in which case, you're on your own.'

Li Xuan rested his chin on Su Xingchuan's arm, voice soft and sweet. 'I don't even like those.'

'What do you like?'

'Shrimp. Freshwater shrimp. Braised, steamed, either one. But I hate peeling them.' Li Xuan had never once pretended not to be high-maintenance.

'So I'm supposed to peel them for you?'

Li Xuan opened his mouth and snapped it shut on nothing, putting on a show of eating imaginary bites — while his legs had already quietly migrated onto Su Xingchuan's.

Li Xuan liked draping himself off Su Xingchuan like a charm on a bracelet.

Su Xingchuan didn't find the position comfortable, but he let him do it anyway. 'That message you sent today,' he asked. 'Did you mean it, or were you just messing with me?'

'If you came back, I was messing with you. If you didn't, I meant every word.' Li Xuan wasn't stupid — he was slippery as hell.

Su Xingchuan huffed a short laugh.

'But I knew you'd come back.'

'Why?'

'Because —' Li Xuan leaned in close to his ear and said quietly, 'you already like me.'

His voice was soft and buzzing, and Su Xingchuan's chest gave a little shudder with it. He kept staring at him, and kept staring, until the server appeared: 'Have you decided? Would you like some recommendations?'

Su Xingchuan snapped back to earth and cleared his throat.

They ordered a few dishes with their heads together over the menu, then Su Xingchuan brought out the cake — slid the '20' candles in, borrowed a lighter from the restaurant, and got them lit. Li Xuan propped his chin on the edge of the table, corners of his mouth curving up, the candlelight jumping bright in his eyes.

'Make a wish, birthday boy.'

Li Xuan laced his fingers together, bowed his head, and said, 'First — I hope everyone in my family stays healthy. And then — I hope that every birthday from now on, I get to spend it with Su Xingchuan.'

Su Xingchuan watched him quietly.

When he finished, Su Xingchuan couldn't help teasing: 'You're not supposed to say it out loud. Say it out loud and it won't come true.'

'Not true. If you mean it, it counts.'

Li Xuan closed his eyes, touched his forehead to his clasped hands, and repeated his wish with solemn sincerity — then looked up.

Two short breaths, and the candles were out.

'Happy twentieth birthday.'

Li Xuan lit up, bobbing his head, swinging both legs across Su Xingchuan's lap in alternating kicks — he'd always done it, but never this happily, until Su Xingchuan had to pin his knee down to make it stop.

'Watch where you're kicking.'

Li Xuan narrowed his eyes. 'What did I kick?'

Su Xingchuan raised an eyebrow, didn't take the bait. He picked up the lemonade from the table and took a sip.

'Something I need.'

Su Xingchuan nearly choked — he spluttered, then clapped a hand over Li Xuan's mouth. 'Have you no shame?'

Li Xuan looked at him with wide, innocent eyes and shook his head.

'I thought you didn't know anything about any of that.'

Li Xuan started swinging his legs again, small lazy kicks. 'It's fine. If I broke something, I'll fix it for you.'

'...Thanks. No.'

That hit Li Xuan's funny bone out of nowhere — he buried his face against Su Xingchuan's arm and couldn't stop laughing. Su Xingchuan refused to acknowledge him.

After dinner, half the cake was still left. Su Xingchuan told Li Xuan to take it back to the dorms for his roommates. Li Xuan didn't want to.

'Why not?'

'Don't want to talk to them.'

Li Xuan started telling Su Xingchuan about his life — home, campus, the parents who adored him, the roommates and classmates he'd never quite clicked with. He shrugged. '...But I don't really care that much. As long as I'm happy, that's enough.'

It was a strange thing. Li Xuan had almost no friends, but he was never short on love.

'So are you?' Su Xingchuan asked. 'Happy?'

Li Xuan nodded. 'Today I am. Because today I have a boyfriend.' He tilted his head back and looked up at Su Xingchuan with those hopeful eyes.

Playing sweet again.

Too many people in the restaurant. Su Xingchuan had no choice but to take him outside.

Li Xuan had never once asked: do you like me? Can you handle my mods? What do you want from me?

He just kept telling Su Xingchuan, over and over: I like you.

He'd sneak his hand into Su Xingchuan's while they walked — fingers laced together — and the moment Su Xingchuan responded, rubbing the back of his hand with a thumb, little flowers may as well have bloomed right off the top of his head. Pure, unguarded joy. His whole step went light.

He really was like a kid.

After they got together, Yu Qinglan had asked, genuinely curious: 'Su Xingchuan, you do so much for Li Xuan — practically his dad and mom rolled into one. I have to ask. What are you actually getting out of this?'

Su Xingchuan thought about it for a second. 'Something very pure,' he said. 'Just — liking someone.'

Su Xingchuan's world was full of people. Li Xuan's world held his family, one small cat, and Su Xingchuan. He asked a lot of love from Su Xingchuan — and gave himself back without holding anything in reserve.

They walked for a long time that day.

When Li Xuan said he was tired, Su Xingchuan steered him into a small pavilion by the path. From inside you could see the river stretching out in the distance. Li Xuan sat down beside him and blinked — slow, deliberate. Su Xingchuan hesitated a few seconds, then reached out and put his arm around his shoulders anyway.

Li Xuan leaned into him, settling against his shoulder. Midsummer wind is always that sticky, damp kind — but neither of them moved apart.

Li Xuan dropped his gaze and started fiddling with the hem of Su Xingchuan's shirt.

A summer evening. A thin wash of orange hanging at the edge of the sky.

The warm light fell across Li Xuan's face like a layer of soft gauze. He tilted his head up just as Su Xingchuan was leaning down to say something — and their eyes caught, no warning at all.

Li Xuan's gaze dropped to Su Xingchuan's lips.

This time Li Xuan didn't ask: 'Do you want to kiss me?'

It was Su Xingchuan who moved first.

He'd only felt it once — Li Xuan's lips, warm and soft, pressed to his cheek. Light as nothing, gone almost before it landed. Since then he'd kept reaching for it in dreams, and every time he did he sank a little deeper.

Li Xuan felt it — the fact that Su Xingchuan was coming to him.

He held his breath. Both their heartbeats were going too fast, tangled together like rain hitting flagstone — dense, overlapping, relentless.

Su Xingchuan kept leaning closer.

And then — right then — a small voice piped up nearby, bright with that guileless kid-energy: 'Those are two boys! They're hugging!'

A little boy on a tiny bicycle had stopped not far away, pointing straight at them and hollering for his friends and his parents.

A flicker of confusion crossed Li Xuan's face.

Su Xingchuan's arms tightened around Li Xuan's shoulders on instinct, pulling him in so his face was buried in his chest — out of sight.

Li Xuan didn't move. Just stayed there, muffled against him.

The little boy had dragged his mom over. She saw the two of them — two tall guys wrapped up in each other in the pavilion — and her expression curdled. She muttered something under her breath, eyes sharp with disgust.

Su Xingchuan pressed his hands over Li Xuan's ears.

Half a minute passed. Then Li Xuan heard Su Xingchuan say, close against his ear: 'Kid's gone. It's okay.'

Only then did Li Xuan lift his head.

'Is that it?' he asked. 'That's what you're scared of?'

Su Xingchuan didn't answer.

Li Xuan looked down. Su Xingchuan reached over without warning and gave his ear a little pinch. Something in Li Xuan seemed to let go — he leaned back against Su Xingchuan's shoulder and went quiet, staring out at the river, the light breaking in pieces across the water.

Twenty-year-old Li Xuan let out a slow breath toward the surface of the river.

Like a small cat that had just discovered it had feelings.

Su Xingchuan wanted to say something. The words didn't make it out.

He took Li Xuan to the snack street for dinner — bought him skewers and iron-plate squid. Li Xuan got sauce all over his mouth, and Su Xingchuan laughed and told him he looked like a little tabby cat. That got him close to furious; he tried to wipe his face on Su Xingchuan's shirt, and Su Xingchuan dodged him, still laughing.

The river breeze came off the bank. Li Xuan walked with a wolf-tooth potato chip the size of his own face in one hand and an ice cream in the other, made it a third of the way through both before announcing he was stuffed. Su Xingchuan just took them and finished them.

'Happy,' Li Xuan said.

'Good,' said Su Xingchuan.

The riverfront was packed — families out for the cool night air, kids everywhere. Li Xuan didn't dare stick to Su Xingchuan the way he had during the day. They found a quiet corner off the main path and sat side by side, watching the light show play across the towers on the far bank, listening to the low groan of cargo ships moving through the dark.

Li Xuan suddenly threw one hand up high — right in front of Su Xingchuan's face, fingers spread wide, then snapped into a fist. 'Fwosh —'

'Time stopped,' he said. 'You have to stay here with me. Right here, forever.'

Su Xingchuan laughed softly. 'Yeah?'

But time doesn't stop for anyone, and when it finally came to saying goodbye, Su Xingchuan walked Li Xuan back to his dorm.

'See you tomorrow,' Li Xuan said.

Half of their one-day boyfriend window still left.

Li Xuan watched him with those hopeful, wanting eyes.

Su Xingchuan was just about to reach for him when a stream of students started filing back into the dorm behind them. He let his hand fall.

Su Xingchuan couldn't seem to find the right moment to say what was actually on his mind — and Li Xuan, for his part, had gone a little quiet too, like something was weighing on him. From the pavilion all the way back to the dorm, he didn't bring up the kiss again.

Su Xingchuan took his suitcase back and watched Li Xuan head upstairs, pausing every few steps to glance back. The ache of it settled heavier with each turn.

.

When he got back to his own room, his roommate looked up and froze. 'Wait — why are you back?'

'Missed my train,' Su Xingchuan said, offhand.

The other roommate burst in, already yelling: 'You have to see this — someone posted a photo of Xingchuan holding hands with some guy on the confession wall — wait, Xingchuan? Aren't you supposed to be home?'

Su Xingchuan took the phone and looked at the photo.

Head-on. Whoever took it had been walking straight toward them.

The overpass on campus — the two of them side by side, Li Xuan doing that thing he always did, balancing along the very edge of the steps like it was a tightrope, swaying left and right. Su Xingchuan had his hand, and he was looking at Li Xuan, smiling.

He'd been looking at Li Xuan a lot, hadn't he.

Who would ever guess, from a photo like that, that Li Xuan was the one doing the chasing?

His roommates had expected embarrassment, maybe anger. Instead Su Xingchuan just smiled a little and said, 'That's adorable.'

'...What?'

Su Xingchuan pointed at Li Xuan. 'Come on, don't you think he's cute?'

His two roommates: '..'

Like that wasn't enough, Su Xingchuan kept going: 'Isn't he great though? He's going to be a doctor. And he's so sharp — reads something once and it sticks. Best at being pouty, too, hands down.'

His two roommates: '............'

Su Xingchuan's mouth curved. 'Guys,' he said, 'I think I might not be the one you call to get girls' numbers anymore.'

His roommates nearly blacked out.

Only when he was lying in bed did Su Xingchuan notice his mom had called two hours ago. He'd missed it. She'd followed up with a text: [Were you on today's train? Why aren't you home yet?]

He typed back: [School had a last-minute volunteer thing. Might be a few more days before I'm back.]

His mom said okay, told him to stop gallivanting around.

The dorm lights went off. The afternoon kept replaying behind his eyes, frame by frame — and then that almost-kiss. He'd wanted to close the distance. He really had. But the moment slipped past.

Tomorrow, he thought. Tomorrow he'd take the step.

A buzz by his ear. He opened his eyes.

Li Xuan had texted him.

[cat emoji]: [The more I think about it the more annoyed I am.]

[cat emoji]: [I didn't get to kiss you today.]

Su Xingchuan felt it like a cat batting at his chest.

He couldn't even wait for tomorrow.

He replied: [Want to make up for it right now?]}