Chapter 19

Early July. A midsummer night.

The campus was empty. Dormitory Building 3 to Dormitory Building 12 — ten minutes on foot. Su Xingchuan ran the whole way into the wind, still finding time to push his hair back and straighten his collar, and by the time he skidded up to Li Xuan's dorm building, breathless, he looked up and found Li Xuan already there on the steps, waiting.

Li Xuan was wearing pajamas — mustard-green stripes.

He looked like a matcha rice cake.

The yellowy incandescent light caught the top of his head and wrapped him in something warm and soft, and the night breeze moved slowly around him.

He spotted Su Xingchuan. His eyes went wide — then a flicker of shyness, lashes dropping — but the corner of his mouth was already curling up.

Everything he was thinking, written right there on his face.

He hadn't even changed out of his pajamas. Just ran downstairs.

For a kiss.

The whole way over, Su Xingchuan hadn't spared a single thought for what he was doing — how reckless it was, what he'd say to his parents, what people would think. He didn't want to think about any of it. He just wanted to hold Li Xuan. Kiss him. Make him laugh that real laugh. He didn't have to beg time to slow down anymore. Right now, time was the one thing he had plenty of.

The last few steps, he slowed. Li Xuan didn't move.

Li Xuan knew. He could tell Su Xingchuan had finally come around, that he'd won — and he was milking it.

He stayed right where he was on the steps, just tilted his head and watched.

The standoff lasted maybe two seconds.

Li Xuan on the steps was only a little taller than Su Xingchuan, but that smile kept climbing until he could barely hold it back. Su Xingchuan was smiling too. 'What are you laughing at?'

Li Xuan shot back: 'What are you laughing at?'

Su Xingchuan didn't answer. Li Xuan asked, all innocence: 'It's five minutes to midnight. What are you even doing here?'

His eyes were dancing as he said it — but when he looked at Su Xingchuan he put on this perfect guileless expression, eyes wide and round, like he had no idea. He had every idea.

Su Xingchuan couldn't take it anymore. He reached out, wrapped both arms around Li Xuan's waist, and lifted him clean off the step.

The faint scent of Li Xuan's body wash hit him all at once.

That slender waist, the soft cotton of his sleep shirt — Su Xingchuan's heart was already gone. Then Li Xuan's feet left the ground and the shock hit him all at once; he grabbed Su Xingchuan's neck and held on, voice dropping to a squeak: 'Don't let go!'

Su Xingchuan spun him around just to be mean about it, then set him back down on the step like it was nothing. Even after landing Li Xuan stayed draped against him, reluctant to detach. 'So childish.'

A beat of silence. Then: 'One more time.'

A low rumble of laughter moved through Su Xingchuan's chest.

Who was the childish one again?

'Su Xingchuan.' Li Xuan's voice settled, his breathing evening out. He straightened up and looked at him. 'Have you made up your mind?'

Su Xingchuan's hands were still resting at Li Xuan's waist. 'Honestly? The moment I threw that ticket away, I already had.'

Twenty years of keeping himself contained, of growing up faster than he had to — Li Xuan had walked into all of that and now the road ahead bent somewhere Su Xingchuan had never gone. But if Li Xuan was going to be there, there wasn't much to be afraid of.

He said, 'I like you.'

Quiet. Certain.

Li Xuan's lashes trembled. His breath came apart.

He would never forget this night — early July, the thick heat of summer finally loosening into something softer, drifting through the air in slow breezes, stars sharp against dark blue sky, everything around them gone still. Nothing moving but their two hearts, both of them loud, their breath close enough to meet.

First love is a gift you didn't earn.

'Can I kiss you?' Su Xingchuan asked.

It used to be Li Xuan, all brazen nerve, asking that exact question. Now the wheel had turned and here was Su Xingchuan, the one angling for a kiss.

Still, Li Xuan moved first.

He didn't answer. He just leaned in and pressed his lips to Su Xingchuan's — barely there, the softest thing.

Su Xingchuan hadn't even had time to feel it properly, hadn't caught more than a ghost of warmth before Li Xuan was already pulling back, eyes wide and scattered, lips pressing together like he was trying to contain himself, cheeks and the tips of his ears burning red, hands tucked behind his back.

Su Xingchuan suddenly wanted to laugh.

All that bravado. All that relentless flirting. Turns out he'd been all talk.

Su Xingchuan tightened his arm around Li Xuan's waist and pulled him back in — and before Li Xuan could even register what was happening, he closed the gap, pressed their lips together, and kissed him deeper, past the stiffness, past the hesitation.

Deep and slow. A long, long kiss.

Clumsy at first, then finding its rhythm — electricity sparking all the way through.

In the small break between breaths, Su Xingchuan murmured against his mouth: 'Babe. Don't hold your breath.'

Li Xuan finally exhaled — and then, the very next second, leaned back in.

Su Xingchuan thought: how is he this cute? Cute face, cute when he's being clingy, even that stupid pajama set is cute — they say when a woman finds everything about a man adorable, she's done for. Turned out that applied to Su Xingchuan just as well.

He was done for. Absolutely no coming back from this.

It had all started in a narrow, dim alleyway. And love had started under an old lamp at the foot of a dormitory building — Li Xuan standing on the step, arms looped around Su Xingchuan's neck, the two of them tangled up together.

Neither of them knew how long it went on before they finally pulled apart.

Li Xuan was still reluctant, cheek resting against Su Xingchuan's chest. 'Don't leave tomorrow either,' he said. 'Okay?'

What was there left to hold out for?

'Okay,' he said. 'I'll stay.'

Neither of them had their phones, so they had no idea what time it was. 'It's late,' Su Xingchuan said. 'Let's go back and sleep.'

Li Xuan clung to him and refused to move.

Su Xingchuan thought about it, then added: 'Tomorrow morning I'll come by and bring you breakfast. Right to your dorm room door. Deal?'

'I'm going to sleep in.'

'Even tomorrow morning?'

Li Xuan put on his most unbothered face, fingers idly threading through Su Xingchuan's hair. 'Why wouldn't I?' he said, deliberate.

He seemed completely certain that Su Xingchuan would give him whatever he wanted.

'Sleep as long as you like. Just text me when you wake up and I'll bring it over. That work?'

When Li Xuan was happy, his eyes lit up.

'Okay,' he said, turning to the side, a little reluctant to go. 'Then I'm heading back to sleep.'

Su Xingchuan watched him leave.

Li Xuan was almost at the door when he heard Su Xingchuan call his name. Before he could even turn around, Su Xingchuan's arms came around him from behind.

'One more.' Su Xingchuan's voice was low.

Li Xuan spun around immediately and threw himself at Su Xingchuan, cupping his face and kissing him first.

'Will you dream about me tonight?' Li Xuan asked.

'I always dream about you.'

Su Xingchuan watched Li Xuan disappear into the dormitory building.

His heart was still bouncing.

Starting today, he was someone with a boyfriend.

.

The first two days after making it official, Su Xingchuan kept himself reasonably in check. Li Xuan had his shy moments too. They didn't go further than kissing.

Then on the fifth day, Su Xingchuan's mom called to ask when he was coming home. Li Xuan panicked. He dropped straight into Su Xingchuan's lap, corners of his mouth pulling down, looking up at him with devastatingly pitiful eyes.

He mouthed: 'You are not going home.'

Su Xingchuan had no choice but to keep stalling her.

His mom thought it was odd, but she didn't push.

After he hung up, Su Xingchuan wrapped an arm around Li Xuan's waist, a little distracted. He still hadn't figured out how to tell his parents.

Li Xuan told him not to say anything yet. His tone was pure petulance: 'Can we just enjoy being together for now? Stop overthinking it.'

Su Xingchuan laughed despite himself. 'Fine.'

Li Xuan leaned against Su Xingchuan's shoulder and asked, out of nowhere, 'Su Xingchuan — you said you kept dreaming about me. What were you dreaming?'

He watched him, unblinking.

Su Xingchuan was leaving soon. He had to do something.

The hand Su Xingchuan had resting at the small of his back slid slowly lower. 'You want to know?'

Li Xuan went shy all at once. He threw both arms around Su Xingchuan in a bear hug, burying his face against him to escape that burning gaze. 'Yeah,' he said, voice muffled.

He had a habit of dropping the subject when he spoke.

It made everything sound softer. More coaxing.

In the dream it had been nothing but Li Xuan's voice.

He was so unbelievably clingy — always speaking with that low, pressed-down quality, words coming out slow and sticky, the ends of his sentences stretched thin. Especially when he was holding Su Xingchuan. His breath would spill right against Su Xingchuan's ear, and he'd squirm, his calves brushing and swaying against Su Xingchuan's legs.

The image kept going in and out of focus.

Seven years. A lot of the details were gone.

He tried to pull up the memory of their first hotel stay together — but his mind refused. Instead it played back the breakup. The way he'd grabbed Li Xuan's arm that day, eyes red, voice breaking: 'What happened? Just tell me what happened. Baby, whatever it is, we can figure it out together. Please don't do this.'

Li Xuan's tears had fallen before his did.

He'd looked frightened — but he wouldn't say what he was afraid of. He just kept choking out the same words: 'I can't. I can't...'

He wrenched himself free.

'We're done, Su Xingchuan.'

'Li Xuan —'

Su Xingchuan opened his eyes, still catching his breath, cold sweat on his forehead. He stared up at a familiar ceiling.

His own home. Not the hotel room in downtown Jiangcheng where he'd taken Li Xuan that first time. Not University A's campus.

Another dream.

.

It took Su Xingchuan a while to come back to himself — long enough that his phone alarm had been buzzing the whole time. He reached over and killed it.

7:20. Time to get up and go to work.

It'd been a week since that dinner at Sizhuan Private Dining had ended badly, and he was still on-site at Zhongjin Group doing due diligence.

No friction with Xu Zhengdong. Not the kind he'd braced for.

He was busy. Xu Zhengdong was busier — a few days out of town, then back-to-back meetings over the company's IPO.

It wasn't until today, when Xu Zhengdong stepped out of a conference room and found his secretary on the phone with Su Xingchuan about market research, that he even remembered Su Xingchuan was here.

Right. Him.

He walked over to the office Su Xingchuan had been using and knocked. Su Xingchuan was inside working on a report. Xu Zhengdong let himself in without waiting, and Su Xingchuan stood up immediately. 'Director Xu.'

Polite. Perfectly polite. But his face gave nothing.

Xu Zhengdong didn't need the kid to call him uncle — he'd never expected that — but he hadn't expected the same flat 'Director Xu' either.

He hesitated. He'd assumed things between Su Xingchuan and Xiao Xuan had to have sorted themselves out by now. Unless—

No. Couldn't be. He'd basically handed them the perfect setup. If they still couldn't patch things up after all that, the only explanation was that those two just weren't meant to be.

Had he really read this wrong?

He pulled out the chair beside him and sat down. A few questions about the IPO timeline, then he got to the point.

'Xiao Xuan's been in Shenzhen the past few days — some training for a joint program. Just got back yesterday.'

He was fishing for a reaction.

From Su Xingchuan's end, though, those few sentences landed exactly one way: Xu Zhengdong showing off. A quiet flex. Staking territory.

Su Xingchuan kept his head down, sorting through the paper files. 'Is that right? I didn't know.'

He genuinely hadn't. He hadn't reached out to Li Xuan in days — not once, even through all the dreams that kept pulling him back to seven years ago. He didn't have the right to walk into Li Xuan's life uninvited.

Xu Zhengdong caught the look on Su Xingchuan's face — that hollow, deflated expression — and the words died in his throat.

He'd actually guessed right.

They hadn't made up.

So this guy could talk big in front of him but couldn't say a single word to Xiaouan's face?

Xu Zhengdong's blood pressure spiked.

Right. There's no such thing as a breakup without a reason. This guy was never good enough for Xiao Xuan.

He stood up sharply, shook his head, dropped a'some wood just can't be carved,' and walked out.

'..' Su Xingchuan stood there, frozen.

He had absolutely no idea what had just happened.

Right then, Xie Liang texted him: [Followed my future in-laws to consult a master aboutuspicious dates — we finally locked in the wedding. Third day of the Lunar New Year.]

Su Xingchuan replied: [Congrats, groom-to-be.]

Xie Liang: [Enjoy your freedom while it lasts. These past few days my wife dragged me in for a premarital checkup, and that wasn't enough — now she wants me to go to andrology clinic today get my sperm quality tested. I really don't want to go to a place like that, but I can't exactly say no. I'm dying here.]

Su Xingchuan: [Nothing to be embarrassed about.]

Xie Liang: [Oh wait, I almost forgot — you literally just went under the knife there lmao. And your ex was the one holding it.]

Su Xingchuan: [...]

What was today, exactly? Why was everyone bending his ear about Li Xuan? He already couldn't stop thinking about him — now it was worse.

Su Xingchuan sat in his office chair, staring out at the skyline, then closed his eyes and pressed his fingers into the crease of his brow.

On the other side of the city, Li Xuan had just stepped off the operating table.

Just as exhausted. Sitting in his chair, rubbing the same spot between his brows.

He hadn't slept properly in days.

After the breakup, he'd spent a long time feeling unmoored. He'd never been picky about where he slept before — now he could only fall asleep in his own bed, the same one he'd had for years.

Business trips were a particular kind of torture. Lying awake turning things over and over was just his life now. And then there was everything else weighing on him.

That day he'd asked Su Xingchuan, 'I want to know how much I meant to you back then.' Su Xingchuan had said: 'A lot.'

He kept coming back to that answer on the sleepless nights. Turning it over. Holding it up to the light

But every time he caught himself actually entertaining the thought — is there still a chance, between me and Su Xingchuan — he'd spiral into something ugly. Self-reproach. Self-disgust. Su Xingchuan had someone. And here Li Xuan was, still thinking about fighting for him. Inexcusable.

He pressed his fingers into the bridge of his nose, trying to dull the headache.

It didn't help. His mind wouldn't settle.

Then another doctor stuck his head in and said the department head wanted him in the outpatient wing. Li Xuan was on his feet immediately.

He cut through the glass skybridge corridor and made his way to the outpatient wing, heading for the elevator to the fifth floor. It was a weekday — the patient volume was on the lighter side, the lobby still and quiet.

Li Xuan stood at the elevator doors in his mask, expression flat.

A few seconds later the doors opened.

One man, one woman inside.

He stepped in sideways, head down, and hit the button for five. Then, like something had snagged at the back of his mind, he looked up — at the two people who'd just walked out.

That was — Xie Liang?

He walked straight back out, the closing doors be damned, and took a few quick steps forward to get a better look.

It was definitely Xie Liang.

Xie Liang was walking alongside a young woman in a wool coat. She had her arm hoked through his, turning her head every now and then to say something, laughing. Xie Liang's hand came up to settle around her waist.

Li Xuan stood there, frozen.

Xie Liang — wasn't Xie Liang Su Xingchuan's boyfriend?