Chapter 17

Li Xuan still looked completely lost.

Su Xingchuan watched him. 'Why'd you send the congee under a girl's name?'

Li Xuan hadn't expected him to figure it out that fast. Surprised and a little pleased all at once, he said quietly, 'My uncle said it'd protect your reputation. More respectful that way.'

'So you do know you were disrespecting me before.'

Li Xuan dropped his head. He looked pathetic.

'Protect my reputation…' Su Xingchuan's expression shifted into something harder to read. 'So you think being gay is bad for someone's reputation?'

'I don't. But my uncle said not everyone thinks like I do.' Li Xuan said it earnestly.

Su Xingchuan looked at him like he was seeing him for the first time, something deep settling in his eyes. Li Xuan asked, 'Is your fever any better?'

Su Xingchuan didn't answer.

Li Xuan looked out at the people moving through the dormitory entrance, thought for a moment, then stepped back. 'I've been really worried about you,' he said.

Su Xingchuan was just starting to feel something.

Then Li Xuan said, 'It'd be so much easier if we just lived together.'

'…'

He really had run to several different places — his breathing still hadn't fully settled, so his cheeks were flushed, and the soft hair across his forehead was a little disheveled. When he looked up his eyes were bright, almost unreasonably pretty. Su Xingchuan lost his train of thought. He really was like a little cat sometimes.

A pedigree ragdoll, no less.

His gaze dropped. Landed on Li Xuan's lips.

Li Xuan caught where he was looking. First he pressed his lips together, then let them part. They opened and closed, and Su Xingchuan heard him ask, 'Do you want to kiss me?'

Su Xingchuan snapped back to himself.

Like he'd seen a ghost. The color drained clean from his face.

'What? No. Obviously not.'

Li Xuan made a small sound of displeasure.

Su Xingchuan looked away. 'Thanks for the congee,' he said, voice flat. 'You don't have to do it again. I'm almost over the cold.'

The light in Li Xuan's eyes slowly went out.

'Okay. I'll get going.' Li Xuan glanced back at him one more time. 'Get some rest,' he said quietly.

Su Xingchuan couldn't name what he was feeling.

Something sour. Soft and swollen with it.

He watched Li Xuan walk away, and then, out of nowhere, those words came back to him — 'It'd be nice if we lived together.'

Su Xingchuan shook himself. What was he even thinking?

Li Xuan was genuinely terrifying. He'd only been back for half a month and he'd already turned Su Xingchuan's entire inner world upside down. Twenty years of rock-solid straightness, and suddenly it felt like the ground was shifting. He was starting to doubt himself — though surely... surely nothing had actually changed.

How could it change that easily?

Su Xingchuan went back inside and ate the congee.

The clean, mild smell of plain rice slowly settled the restlessness in his chest. He ate, thought about it, and transferred the money to Li Xuan anyway.

Fifty yuan.

Li Xuan declined it.

Li Xuan didn't send 'I hate you' this time. And yet it was the first time Su Xingchuan had actually wanted him to.

Sometimes he caught himself being completely contradictory — he wanted Li Xuan to give up on his own, and he didn't want Li Xuan to actually get hurt.

He waited the whole evening. Nothing came.

He thought: Li Xuan really has no idea how to chase someone.

Then, just past midnight, a message arrived — late, but there.

Maomaotou: [Good night.]

Su Xingchuan paused and scrolled up through the chat.

He counted. Sure enough — Li Xuan had sent exactly ten messages yesterday, which was why the good night had gotten pushed past midnight.

Su Xingchuan didn't know whether to laugh or groan. Who had agreed to a ten-message-a-day limit, anyway?

But looking at those two words — 'good night' — he felt something loosen in his chest. He wasn't even sure what he was relieved about. That Li Xuan hadn't given up, or that Li Xuan wasn't hurt.

Either way, he typed back immediately: [Good night.]

The 'typing…' indicator under Maomaotou's name kept flickering on and off. Su Xingchuan could picture it — Li Xuan drafting and deleting again. A few minutes passed, and then, finally, the message crawled out.

Maomaotou: [Good night.]

Su Xingchuan burst out laughing.

All that work… and that's it?

His roommate had just come out of the bathroom, towel still in hand, and looked over at the sound. 'What's so funny?'

Su Xingchuan shifted onto his side. 'An idiot.'

.

.

The fever only lasted one night. He was in good shape — exercised regularly, young, resilient. One dose of medicine and a lot of water, and by the next morning he was completely fine.

Sophomore year meant the heaviest courseload. Su Xingchuan had just come out of a lecture-hall probability theory class, grabbed a can of Coke from the vending machine, and was heading straight over to the East Building for International Finance.

He slid into a seat two minutes before class started, hadn't even pulled out his book yet, when someone sat down beside him.

Familiar smell. Familiar feeling.

He turned his head, and of course it was Li Xuan.

Li Xuan was wearing a black t-shirt today — same color as Su Xingchuan's — his thin arms swaying loose inside the sleeves. He blinked at Su Xingchuan, then calmly pulled a copy of International Finance out of his bag. 'I'm sitting in,' he said.

'…Shaoye, how did you even find me?'

'Asked your classmates.'

'You asked?' Li Xuan had voluntarily added a stranger's contact just to fish for information? Su Xingchuan was skeptical.

Li Xuan was completely unbothered. 'Paid someone to ask for me.'

Su Xingchuan shook his head, resigned. 'What else did you find out?'

Li Xuan said it with a perfectly straight face. 'Your class schedule and your GPA ranking. Your grades are excellent. I'm very satisfied.'

Su Xingchuan raised an eyebrow. 'That's a privacy violation. Law school's right next door — I could drag you over there after class.'

Li Xuan held both hands out in front of him.

Like he was waiting to be cuffed.

Su Xingchuan thought of something — he cleared his throat softly, reached out and nudged Li Xuan's hands away with his fingertips. 'It's been almost two weeks,' he said quietly. 'You're still wrapped in gauze. Someone who didn't know would think you broke something.'

Li Xuan set his right hand on top of Su Xingchuan's.

Su Xingchuan made a move to undo the little bow on the bandage. Li Xuan, in one swift huff, shoved his hand into his pocket — Su Xingchuan was not getting near it.

Su Xingchuan let out a quiet laugh and opened his laptop.

The associate professor walked in. Li Xuan, to his credit, was well-behaved — he didn't bother Su Xingchuan for the rest of the class, just worked his way through International Finance page by page, sitting there quietly.

Su Xingchuan had been mildly annoyed he was there, but somewhere along the way he realized it was him doing all the watching — tracking Li Xuan out of the corner of his eye, clocking his every small move — while Li Xuan barely stirred. Li Xuan actually seemed genuinely interested in international finance. By the time class ended, the students around them were half asleep. He'd read all the way to page forty-two.

Completely absorbed.

When the bell rang, he leaned over and checked Su Xingchuan's page number, then grinned. 'Your class hasn't even caught up to where I am!'

When he wasn't smiling he looked like a china doll with a cool edge to him. When he smiled, that edge just dissolved — and he looked, suddenly, genuinely sweet.

Su Xingchuan didn't look away. Again.

'I think this part's actually interesting.'

Li Xuan pointed to the chapter on balance of payments.

Li Xuan flipped the script and started explaining international finance to him instead. People kept glancing over. Su Xingchuan could hear classmates whispering to his right. Normally that would've bothered him — he'd never loved being talked about. But right now, watching Li Xuan not care at all, he found that he didn't really care either.

Li Xuan rubbed his stomach. 'I'm hungry.'

Su Xingchuan dug through his bag and pulled out a small pack of crackers, holding them out. 'Here. Something to tide you over.'

Li Xuan wrinkled his nose. 'Don't like sesame.'

Su Xingchuan should've said take it or leave it. Instead his mouth got ahead of him: 'So what flavor do you like?'

'Milk and cheese.'

Li Xuan had always known exactly how to push his luck.

'Too much sweet stuff gives you breakouts,' Su Xingchuan said, deliberately.

Li Xuan shook his head, legs swinging and crossing in the air, looking very pleased with himself. 'I've never had a single breakout my whole life. My skin's great.'

Su Xingchuan's gaze drifted from the crackers in Li Xuan's hand up to Li Xuan's face. His throat moved without meaning to.

It really kind of was.

Smooth, fine-textured, that warm flush just beneath the surface.

Stop —

Su Xingchuan snapped his eyes away and sat up straight, facing the lectern — and walked right into Yu Qinglan's expression, that look she had that was half a smirk and half a dare. His face went a little stiff. He was about to say something when Li Xuan suddenly lifted his little hand and dropped it onto Su Xingchuan's arm with a thud.

'Stop looking at her.' Li Xuan's cheeks were puffed out.

'...We grew up together.'

'Then especially stop looking at her!'

Su Xingchuan decided Li Xuan had a real gift for pushing boundaries. 'Why? It's not like you're my boyfriend.'

Li Xuan stuck his lip out. Su Xingchuan wasn't having it. 'Pouting won't work. I don't like guys.'

Li Xuan threw the crackers back at him, turned away, and went back to his book.

It was the first time Su Xingchuan had ever seen Li Xuan actually angry, and it threw him. He touched his own forehead, flustered, not even registering Yu Qinglan's increasingly knowing look from the row ahead, and reached out to tap Li Xuan's shoulder.

'You're not eating the crackers? Can I have them?'

He tore the wrapper open.

Li Xuan ignored him.

Su Xingchuan had no idea how to coax Li Xuan back then — he just sat there squirming, at a total loss, coughing softly every now and then. Li Xuan, for his part, wasn't being dramatic about it. Once he felt Su Xingchuan trying to get his attention, he gave himself an out, slowly turning back around and holding his hand out. 'Give it here.'

Su Xingchuan dropped the sesame crackers into his palm.

Li Xuan took a bite. 'Not bad.'

Su Xingchuan deliberately did not look at his little chipmunk cheeks, looked away, and made himself focus on the lecture.

A few minutes later, a message from Yu Qinglan: [Don't worry, I've already told the junior that she should stop having expectations of a man who finds other men cute.]

…What was even happening.

Su Xingchuan felt a headache coming on.

When the bell rang, Li Xuan followed him to the dining hall.

The evening spread was as generous as always. Li Xuan drifted along the small-dish counter for ages before finally picking out what he wanted.

Su Xingchuan muttered 'such a prince' under his breath, but still saved him a seat and grabbed chopsticks and a spoon.

The chopsticks went unused, though.

This time Su Xingchuan was the one who fed him.

It was the first time they'd made it through a meal without fighting about that, and Li Xuan seemed almost thrown by it — he started out swinging his legs under the table, but then it hit him that this might be the last time. Halfway through, he took the spoon back and said, all studied innocence, 'My hand's actually healed. I can eat by myself from now on.'

Su Xingchuan looked down at his empty palm.

Oddly deflated.

Outside the dining hall, Li Xuan walked with him all the way to the dorm building. Just before Su Xingchuan headed up, he raised his right hand. 'Help me get this off.'

He didn't have to guilt-trip him with those little sad-pig trotters anymore.

'Why do you suddenly want it off?'

'Shower. It's annoying.'

Su Xingchuan pulled him over to the side of the bike shed and unwound the bandage from Li Xuan's hand in the glow of the streetlight.

Being that close made Su Xingchuan uneasy. He glanced up and caught Li Xuan staring straight at him — then Li Xuan's lips made a little forward push.

'Can I kiss you?' Li Xuan asked.

Su Xingchuan didn't snap this time. He looked back down, reined himself in, and told Li Xuan no. 'You can't.'

Then added right after: 'Not on the cheek either.'

Li Xuan made a small'oh' and left it at that.

Loop after loop of gauze came undone.

Li Xuan's right hand was finally free. The thin marks on the back of it had scabbed over and healed. He spread his palm open toward Su Xingchuan.

'Who asked to see your claws?'

Li Xuan's face crumpled. 'You're so mean to me. Only to me. You're perfectly sweet to your classmates and all those basketball guys.'

Su Xingchuan had nothing to say that.

Was this seriously the pot calling the kettle black?

He kept his expression flat. 'None of them kissed me.'

'A kiss on the cheek doesn't count,' Li Xuan shot back. 'It's not like I kissed you on the mouth.'

He had this habit of pouting a little when he talked, lips looking soft and pink, going in and out of focus in front of Su Xingchuan's eyes.

Su Xingchuan's chest went hot and his voice came out rough. 'Anywhere counts. All of it's terrible.'

Li Xuan glared at him. 'You obviously care about me.'

Su Xingchuan panicked. His voice jumped up a notch. 'Who said that?'

Li Xuan couldn't actually back it up. He just said, a little sulky, 'You do care about me, whatever. I'm not fighting about it.'

He tossed the gauze into the trash can and walked off, leaving Su Xingchuan standing alone by the bike, staring at nothing.

His heart wouldn't stop pounding.

It took half an hour before he felt like himself again. He drifted back to the dorm in a daze, the summer night breeze moving around him.

Before bed, another message came in from Li Xuan.

Maomaotou: [image]

Maomaotou: [My mom got Bobo little wings.]

Li Xuan's British Shorthair looked nothing like him — chubby and dopey, face the size of a dinner plate. Su Xingchuan thought: Li Xuan's no British Shorthair. He's a Ragdoll. Like a little princess.

Not that he'd ever owned a Ragdoll, so he had no idea what their temperament was like. Maomaotou's temperament was terrible, that much he knew.

He typed back: [Oh, cute.]

Maomaotou: [He's so well-behaved, super cuddly, you'll see when you meet him someday. Good night.]

Su Xingchuan figured he wouldn't be able to sleep.

But he was wrong. Eyes barely closed and the tiredness pulled him under.

He dreamed.

In the haze of it, he walked into somewhere unfamiliar.

It had Li Xuan's living room as a backdrop — white sofa, a fireplace, a rust-and-cream plaid rug. He looked around, and then he saw Li Xuan tucked into the corner of the couch, head tilted, dozing.

A fat little British Shorthair was curled up in his arms, deep asleep. The cat felt Su Xingchuan coming and cracked one eye open, then bolted. Li Xuan stirred, groggy, and when he saw Su Xingchuan he just held out his hand — lazy about it, the same way a cat stretches after a nap. Su Xingchuan hooked their fingers together and Li Xuan grabbed on immediately.

His palm was warm. His fingertips were soft.

Li Xuan tipped over into Su Xingchuan's arms and draped an arm over his shoulder, mumbling, 'Su Xingchuan. So sleepy.'

Su Xingchuan sat down and Li Xuan immediately found a comfortable spot in his arms, tilting sideways and settling right in.

Li Xuan's body was soft and warm, his waist so narrow that even through the pajamas you could see the slight dip of the curve — it made Su Xingchuan want to put his hand there. His cheeks were distracting too.

He really wanted to pinch them.

Li Xuan probably wouldn't get annoyed. He'd just pout and fish for attention.

Li Xuan was a menace at that — coaxing, wheedling, making it look effortless.

Li Xuan dozed lightly in his arms for a while, then finally came back to the world. He tilted his head up to look at Su Xingchuan and said, all clingy and drowsy, 'I'm hungry. I want braised beef brisket and tomato over rice.'

Su Xingchuan pinched his face.

He finally understood what Li Xuan had meant by 'my skin is really good.'

It really was.

Li Xuan pouted. 'Kiss first.'

Su Xingchuan leaned down to kiss him, and Li Xuan turned eager — arms locking tight around Su Xingchuan's neck, taking the kiss and making little sounds the whole time. So ridiculously soft about everything.

Su Xingchuan pressed him down into the sofa. Li Xuan didn't resist. But when Su Xingchuan pushed up the hem of his pajama top and started inching his way in, Li Xuan suddenly asked, 'Su Xingchuan — are you still straight?'

— Su Xingchuan, are you still straight?

Su Xingchuan felt his whole body jerk.

He opened his eyes. Dormitory ceiling.

The warmth from the dream was still clinging to him. His chest kept rising and falling, unsteady. His breathing hadn't sorted itself out.

He was losing his mind.

He had actually — actually had that kind of dream.

Starring himself. And Li Xuan.

The next morning he texted his best friend: [Got a question for you.]

Best friend: [Go ahead.]

Su Xingchuan: [Okay so. You know me, I'm straight, that's not even a question. But a straight guy can still dream about another guy sometimes, right?]

Best friend: [?]

Su Xingchuan: [Like, in today's society, we should respect all kinds of people, and some guys just naturally make you want to protect them, so a little physical closeness here and there, maybe a kiss or whatever, that's completely normal. Don't you think?]

Best friend: [Chuan. When did you turn?]

Su Xingchuan: [...I'm straight.]

Best friend: [The kind of straight that only happens when you see a woman?]

.

.

.

Su Xingchuan never could have seen this coming.

The one being chased was the one falling apart.

He'd been waiting outside Cafeteria No. 1 for twenty minutes and there was no sign of Li Xuan. Yu Qinglan walked by and asked him what he was doing just standing there. Su Xingchuan wanted to ask himself the same thing: what am I doing?

Waiting for Li Xuan to have lunch with me?

Irritation, regret, and something small and secret that felt like hope — all of it tangled together, keeping him off-balance for days now. Last night Li Xuan had asked him to meet at Cafeteria No. 1. And he, the one being pursued, hadn't just agreed — he'd shown up early and stood by the door for twenty minutes. Li Xuan never came.

He pulled out his phone. Thought about texting Li Xuan.

Thought about it some more. Didn't.

He turned around and went inside with Yu Qinglan. She asked, 'Where's your little cutie?'

Su Xingchuan frowned. 'What little cutie?'

'That guy — he's gorgeous, I heard he's in the med school. I can't even picture him in an OR, he'd just look like a little cutie playing doctor.' Yu Qinglan narrowed her eyes and pretended to operate with her chopsticks. 'Honestly, at first I thought the whole you-suddenly-being-gay thing was completely unhinged, but then I got a look at him and — okay, yeah, I get it.'

Su Xingchuan: '…I'm not gay.'

Yu Qinglan looked like she'd just heard the funniest thing in her life. She launched into this deadpan bit: 'Oh, and what flavor do you like then? Don't play victim. You're doing that good-boy act again, why? It's not like you're my boyfriend. Are you hungry? Are you hungry —'

Su Xingchuan's patience snapped. 'Oh my god, can you shut up for five seconds? You're eating!'

Yu Qinglan raised an eyebrow. 'See that? The way you talk to me versus the way you talk to him?'

Su Xingchuan thought: and he still thinks I'm too mean to him.

Right as she said it, he looked up — and there was Li Xuan, backpack on, standing a little ways off and scanning the room.

Something in Su Xingchuan's chest went a little guilty.

The next second, Li Xuan spotted him — then spotted Yu Qinglan across from him. He stood there for two beats, hesitating. Then his expression went flat, he turned on his heel, and went to the counter to get his food alone.

Su Xingchuan watched him pick up a tray and drift to an empty corner of the room.

He sat down and ate without a word.

Two minutes later.

Su Xingchuan sat down across from him.

Li Xuan lifted his eyes, looked at him, and let out a small huff.

'Always playing the victim.'

Li Xuan glared. 'My lab ran twenty minutes late, and you're already having lunch with some other girl.'

Su Xingchuan shrugged, voice completely unbothered. 'I never said I'd wait for you.'

Li Xuan turned his head away.

Su Xingchuan couldn't help it. 'Why are you so dramatic?'

'If you were my boyfriend, I'd be really good.'

'…'

Li Xuan launched back into his pitch. 'I swear I'll never blow up at you. And I'll take care of you.'

He slid the little bowl of suan cai fish he'd specially ordered over to Su Xingchuan. 'I'll buy you good food.'

It wasn't a suspicion anymore.

Li Xuan had just been playing pitiful on purpose. To reel him in.

Why else would he have ordered that extra bowl of suan cai fish?

Li Xuan knew exactly which buttons to push.

Su Xingchuan heard himself ask, 'How many... how many people have you dated?'

Li Xuan blinked. 'What?'

'You seem pretty practiced at this.' Su Xingchuan couldn't quite get the real words out, but the curiosity won. 'How many boyfriends have you had?'

'None. You're the first.'

Su Xingchuan didn't buy it.

'I'm serious, you're the first!' Li Xuan scrambled to prove it, then realized he had no idea how to prove it, so he just blurted out, 'I'm not lying — pinky swear on my life!'

He knocked the toe of his shoe against Su Xingchuan's.

'I really haven't. I mean it.'

There was no way to verify it. But Li Xuan never lied.

Something soft and electric spread through Su Xingchuan's whole body — he couldn't name it, couldn't explain it, just this warm fizzing feeling like something had been satisfied down to its roots. The corner of his mouth curved up.

Li Xuan picked up a piece of suan cai fish and set it in Su Xingchuan's bowl. This time Su Xingchuan didn't push it back. He ate it.

Li Xuan perked right back up, legs swinging under his chair, bumping into Su Xingchuan's every so often as he rocked side to side.

Su Xingchuan didn't tell him to stop. Just said, 'Eat your food.'

After the meal, the two of them walked out of the canteen together.

Li Xuan dragged him toward the little grove, and Su Xingchuan knew exactly where this was going — but he let himself be pulled along anyway. Li Xuan tugged at his arm, then draped both hands over Su Xingchuan's forearm, putting on a pathetic face: 'My arms are killing me. I've been doing lab work all morning.'

Su Xingchuan asked what kind of experiments.

Li Xuan told him. Straight answer, all of it.

One obscure technical term after another fell out of Li Xuan's mouth, and Su Xingchuan's mind drifted back to something Yu Qinglan had said.

— She couldn't picture him standing at an operating table.

Su Xingchuan couldn't picture Li Xuan grown up, either.

Five years from now. Ten years from now. Who would he be?

Would he turn into some boring adult?

Then another thought: if someone loved him carefully, all the way through — if he grew up surrounded by that — would he always stay this carefree?

Li Xuan's hands slid down slowly, his fingers grazing Su Xingchuan's wrist, and without meaning to, Su Xingchuan opened his hand and held on.

Li Xuan's hand curled into a loose fist. Su Xingchuan's hand was a little bigger — just enough to wrap around it.

Li Xuan went still for a second.

Time just sat there. Su Xingchuan could hear Li Xuan breathing.

Li Xuan looked into Su Xingchuan's eyes, blinked — wanted to lean in and kiss him, but couldn't quite get there. Su Xingchuan's expression didn't change. No refusal, no permission. Their breath tangled together. The air between them felt warmer.

In the end Li Xuan just dropped his head onto Su Xingchuan's shoulder, cheek pressed against him, mumbling: 'What's so wrong with one kiss?'

Su Xingchuan said, quiet and low, 'Li Xuan. I'm not like you. I can't just turn down a different road on a whim. I'm scared I'll regret it.'

Li Xuan heard him this time, really heard him. He made a soft sound of acknowledgment.

Su Xingchuan didn't say yes. Didn't say no.

Just said: he was scared.

He was only twenty. He wasn't ready to be responsible for Li Xuan like that.

Li Xuan didn't laugh at him for being scared. He just leaned against Su Xingchuan's shoulder and said, 'My uncle always told me — if a guy agrees right away, that means he's not a good person. So I think you're a good person.'

Birds called back and forth in the little grove, stirring something in both of them.

Li Xuan said, 'I'm not in a hurry.'

June in Jiangcheng was nearly over.

Summer break was maybe ten days out, and before that came exam week — the part everyone dreaded. Li Xuan and Su Xingchuan both got busy.

On ordinary days they'd catch a meal together sometimes, or sit at the library and study.

The reason they couldn't spend every day together was that Su Xingchuan had figured something out: Li Xuan was dangerously good at distracting him. Li Xuan would just be sitting there beside him, idly swinging one leg, and Su Xingchuan would find himself staring.

It was Li Xuan who had to snap him out of it: 'Are you done reviewing?'

Su Xingchuan blinked back to reality and kept his expression flat. 'Finished a while ago. This subject's my strongest.'

Li Xuan made a small skeptical sound.

Su Xingchuan made the same sound right back at him.

In the library Li Xuan didn't dare speak up, so he picked up his phone and texted Su Xingchuan instead.

Maomaotou: [you were sneaking looks at me]

Su Xingchuan: [delusional]

Maomaotou: [you absolutely were. my side profile is pretty]

Su Xingchuan huffed a laugh before he could stop himself.

Li Xuan was rationing himself — ten texts a day, no more. He wasn't going to push it. He put his phone down and went back to his book.

This time Su Xingchuan looked openly.

The side profile really was pretty.

Li Xuan probably hadn't fully grown into his face yet — from the side he still had this soft, almost babyish roundness to him. Once that faded and his features came in sharper, he was going to be something else.

After the last exam, Su Xingchuan waited for Li Xuan at the bottom of the lab building. He waited a long time. Li Xuan didn't come out.

He checked the time. By all accounts it should've ended already.

He thought about it, then went in to find him.

Found him on the second-floor landing — someone had stopped him.

Li Xuan had his bag on, standing at the corner of the stairwell, head turned back toward a guy behind him. Someone a little taller than Li Xuan.

The guy asked, 'Are you going home for the break?'

Li Xuan thought that was a weird question. 'Yeah, of course.'

'I — could I get your contact? I have some questions about the lab work I was hoping you could help me with.'

The intention was obvious.

Su Xingchuan's eyes went cold.

He shifted slightly, positioning himself in Li Xuan's blind spot, and waited.

'I already have a boyfriend,' Li Xuan said.

Straightforward. Serious.

Like a declaration.

Su Xingchuan felt his heart kick noticeably harder.

The guy got the message. He didn't push.

Li Xuan came down the stairs, spotted Su Xingchuan at the first-floor landing, and his eyes went wide with surprise. Then he came rushing down.

For a moment neither of them thought about anything else.

He ran straight into Su Xingchuan's arms, and Su Xingchuan held him.

The guy poked his head out and saw. Su Xingchuan looked up at him. The guy's face darkened, and he turned around and went back upstairs.

Li Xuan was smart. He asked straight out: 'You heard all that?'

Su Xingchuan didn't answer.

'Are you happy?' Li Xuan asked, smiling.

Su Xingchuan could feel something rising to the surface — something that had been stirring alongside the jealousy, restless and insistent. He wanted to push it back down. Push down this feeling that was wrong, that was off the map, that he'd probably regret.

But Li Xuan's eyes and lips were right there.

Was he really going to do this?

Su Xingchuan wasn't impulsive like Li Xuan. He'd been the model kid his whole life — class president since elementary school, sailed through the middle school exams, the gaokao, all the way to University A. He went home on holidays and watched TV with his parents, helped them clean the house. Every relative, every neighbor loved him.

It had never once occurred to Su Xingchuan that someday he'd be standing here asking himself: do I become gay for this guy?

Gay. That whole world he knew nothing about.

Did he want it?

He still couldn't decide.

He let go of Li Xuan and started walking fast, almost stumbling forward. Li Xuan followed, catching up and grabbing his hand. 'I won't ask, okay? I'll drop it — just wait for me, Su Xingchuan!'

He used to think Li Xuan had no idea how to chase someone.

Now he saw how rare that was. He'd been pulling away for a month. Li Xuan had been showing up for a month. Not one day off.

What had started as irritation had slowly turned into something that hurt.

Honestly, most of the time he didn't want to pull his hand away. Honestly, he'd dreamed about Li Xuan more than a few times now, and each one went further than the last.

He knew. If this kept going.

He was going to fall eventually.

He was someone who made decisions fast, who hated wasting time — and yet here he was, stalling, unable to land.

He packed his bag in full retreat mode.

Li Xuan texted him.

Maomaotou: [My birthday's in a few days. If you go home, we won't be able to celebrate together.]

Maomaotou: [I bought a cake. We could do an early birthday dinner at that restaurant near school — would that work?]

Li Xuan had already backed down this far.

Su Xingchuan felt his chest get heavier, heavy enough to ache.

He typed back: [I bought a ticket home for this afternoon. Two o'clock. I don't think I'll make it.]

Li Xuan didn't reply.

He'd bought the ticket a month ago, before Li Xuan had come back into his life. Trains from Jiangcheng to Ling'an were hard to get, and he couldn't refund it — his mom was waiting for him.

Su Xingchuan told himself: forget it.

Just pretend Li Xuan never showed up. I can't be gay. I can't date a guy.

He didn't know much about any of it — only the bad headlines, the kind that made the unknown feel like something to be afraid of.

He was steady. Practical. He didn't do things that blew up the script.

His train left at two. He was at the station by noon.

He sat in the waiting hall and kept checking the time.

The more anxious he got, the faster it seemed to move. He wanted to say something to Li Xuan — he knew Li Xuan had to be hurting right now, and he wanted to do something about that.

But the train was leaving in twenty minutes.

In the end he couldn't hold back. He sent: [I'm about to board.]

Almost immediately, Li Xuan's side showed 'typing…'

Maomaotou: [Okay.]

Su Xingchuan: [Early happy birthday. I'll bring your present when school starts.]

Su Xingchuan: [I'm sorry, Li Xuan. It's not you — it's me. I just can't. We can still be friends.]

The other side went quiet for a long time.

Su Xingchuan thought: he probably hates me again.

Probably won't talk to me for a while.

A few minutes later his phone buzzed. Li Xuan's reply had finally come through. Su Xingchuan opened it immediately.

Maomaotou: [Friends it is, then.]

Su Xingchuan's pupils went still.

The color drained from his face.

He thought he'd misread it. But the words sat right there on the screen, bright and unmistakable. Li Xuan had sent them.

Su Xingchuan forced a steady tone: [What do you mean?]

Maomaotou: [If you really can't make peace with liking a guy, I can't push you. Friends is fine.]

The one time Li Xuan chose to be understanding, Su Xingchuan couldn't hold it together.

This was exactly what he'd asked for.

And he couldn't feel even a trace of relief.

Only now did he understand: when he'd sent that message, some part of him had been waiting — hoping — for Li Xuan to say no.

Hoping he'd say, I don't want to be just friends.

In that pouty voice of his — glaring at Su Xingchuan with that little flash of heat, then bumping his leg under the table.

But Li Xuan had let go.

He'd just let go.

Su Xingchuan had imagined a lot of endings to whatever this thing with Li Xuan was. He'd never imagined it stopping like this — mid-sentence, no resolution. His roommates always complained about manhwa that just fizzled out. Su Xingchuan used to have no idea what they meant. Now he was living inside one, and he got it completely.

Really... that's it?

The PA crackled: 'Passengers for G7096, boarding is now open.'

Su Xingchuan checked the time. Five minutes.

He looked down at the ticket in his hand.

Jiangcheng to Ling'an. Four hundred kilometers.

The announcement came again: 'Final boarding call for G7096. Final boarding call for G7096.'

Su Xingchuan stood up and dropped the ticket in the trash.

Then he grabbed his suitcase and walked toward the exit.

He thought: at least stay through Li Xuan's twentieth birthday.