Chapter 11

Xie Liang scrammed.

Su Xingchuan was completely wrecked.

Li Xuan said, flat and cold: 'Don't move. Hold on a little longer.'

Su Xingchuan sucked in a sharp breath — and then the stent was out. The hand gripping the bed rail finally let go, and when it did, his body didn't feel like his anymore.

'Done,' Li Xuan said.

The pre-op pain, the surgery, the blood in his urine after, the first catheter removal, now this — Su Xingchuan's urology odyssey had finally crawled toward the light at end of the tunnel.

Li Xuan set his instruments aside.

'You really weren't taking that out on me?' Su Xingchuan asked.

He pushed himself upright, still breathing hard. The hand braced against the bed rail was trembling faintly. It took a long moment before he could even start pulling his clothes back together.

Li Xuan had his back to him, peeling off his gloves. His voice was flat. 'It'll still hurt for a few days. Same aftercare instructions as before.'

He was probably still sore about Xie Liang.

Cold as a glacier that hadn't thawed in a thousand years.

And yet he used to be so clingy.

Su Xingchuan thought: if only time could run backward. Seven years ago, Li Xuan standing right in front of him — all he'd have had to do was say his name. Just that. Li Xuan would've turned and come running. He would've thrown himself into Su Xingchuan's arms and looked up at him, and those pretty eyes would've held nothing in them but Su Xingchuan. That Li Xuan had been so — so easy to love. Nothing like this.

'Dr. Li, have you eaten lunch?'

He already knew the answer and didn't wait for one. 'I'd like to thank Dr. Li for taking such good care of me these past weeks. I was hoping I could treat Dr. Li to a meal — nothing fancy. Would Dr. Li do me the honor?'

'No need. I'll call your family in to help you up.'

The word 'family' landed with deliberate weight.

As Li Xuan passed him, Su Xingchuan reached out and caught his wrist — pulled him in, right between his knees.

Same as last night.

Li Xuan pulled back immediately, trying to shake free of Su Xingchuan's grip. Su Xingchuan said quietly, 'It hurts.'

He didn't say whether he meant his body or his heart.

Li Xuan's chest started rising and falling fast. He kept his voice steady with visible effort. 'Your boyfriend's still outside.'

'Since when are you so well-behaved?'

Li Xuan turned his head away and said nothing.

Su Xingchuan let out a quiet laugh. 'Weren't you the one who loved this kind of thing? All that teasing — where'd all that nerve go?'

Li Xuan couldn't take Su Xingchuan's cruelty dressed up as teasing. He wrenched himself free, dropped back into his chair, steadied his breathing, and clicked to the next patient number.

The electronic chime sounded from outside.

'Urology patient number eleven, please proceed to Consulting Room 3.'

A reminder for the next person — and reminder for Su Xingchuan. Right now, he was nothing more than one of Li Xuan's patients. He lingered in the doorway for a few seconds, wanting to explain things with Xie Liang, then let it go.

He'd barely stepped out when the next patient pushed the door open and went in.

Xie Liang was still on the phone with his fiancée. Su Xingchuan didn't want to interrupt, so he sat on the bench by the door and pressed his fingers to his temple.

God, he was tired.

All he wanted right now was to sleep.

In all the years since they'd split, Su Xingchuan felt like he'd never once had a real night's sleep.

He thought suddenly of the very first New Year's Eve they'd spent together — how he'd come out of the bathroom and found Li Xuan already asleep.

He'd climbed into bed still damp from the shower and wrapped himself around Li Xuan from behind, pulling him close. Li Xuan had stirred, half-asleep, and turned over — clung to Su Xingchuan like a koala, tucked his head against his arm, found the most comfortable angle, and was out again in seconds. Fireworks blazed outside the window. The big screen was counting down to midnight. When the numbers hit zero, he'd bent down and kissed Li Xuan's forehead and whispered, 'Bao bao. Happy New Year.'

Back then he never had to worry about insomnia.

Xie Liang finished coaxing his fiancée and turned around to find Su Xingchuan already there. 'That was fast. You good to go?'

Su Xingchuan gave him a look.

Xie Liang grinned, shameless as ever. 'See? I knew it. He's still on your mind.'

'Let's go,' Su Xingchuan said, standing up.

'I'll drop you off first. I've got lunch with my wife's parents — we're talking wedding stuff.'

'You're finally doing it?'

'Yeah. Two years of stalling and we still couldn't hold out against our parents.'

'Why didn't you want to get married?'

'Mostly the kids thing. Neither of us wants them — don't want the responsibility either.' Xie Liang waved it off and sighed. 'Whatever. Not worth getting into. Call it filial piety and move on.'

Su Xingchuan gave a helpless little smile.

'Your parents still on your case?' Xie Liang asked.

'Every now and then.'

'Your mom still won't believe you're into guys?'

Su Xingchuan leaned back against the elevator wall and shook his head. 'I don't even know if that's the right way to put it. It's not really that I like guys. I just... like him.'

That wasn't an exaggeration.

After the breakup, Su Xingchuan had been lost for a long time. He couldn't figure out his own orientation anymore. Women didn't interest him — but men didn't either, not even the ones who looked like Li Xuan's type.

Whenever anyone asked, he couldn't give them a straight answer. He'd just shrug and say: haven't met the right person yet.

But he knew, really. There was no right person. That space inside him — Li Xuan had taken it. Permanently.

Three years ago his mother had found a stack of Polaroids in his room. All from when he and Li Xuan were together. The two of them, unmistakably close. That was the first time she asked if he liked men. He said yes.

She refused to believe it. 'Don't be silly,' she'd said. 'You just haven't met the right girl yet. Give it time.'

The right girl...

Su Xingchuan hadn't imagined, at fifteen, that ten years later he'd be sleeping with a man. Li Xuan had a lot to answer for — turning his whole life inside out and then just walking away.

'In a world full of options,' Xie Liang said, shaking his head, 'why play the devoted fool? Waste of your time. Waste of that face.'

Su Xingchuan smiled a little and sighed.

'Then let it be a waste.'

.

When he got home, he made himself some congee, ate about half of it, and went to lie down.

His boss called to ask how things had gone with Zhongjin Group.

Just hearing the name made Su Xingchuan's stomach turn. He kept his voice level. 'Director Yan, nothing new to report on the Zhongjin front right now.'

'Xiao Su, I have to say — since your surgery your work ethic has really taken a nosedive.' Yan Tao's tone had that particular edge he never bothered to soften.

Su Xingchuan's patience snapped. 'Director Yan, Zhongjin was always a long shot — you told me to go after it anyway. Not landing it isn't a failure. But the second there's a sliver of hope, suddenly you're picking apart everything I do, like this deal was already yours to pocket, like not closing it makes me incompetent. You haven't said one word about the time and energy I've put in. What's the point of that?'

Yan Tao went quiet for a moment.

'What — what's gotten into you?'

Xie Liang was right. Since running into Li Xuan again, Su Xingchuan hadn't been himself.

The composure, the restraint, the careful reading of every room — all of it gone the moment Li Xuan walked back into his life. He was twenty again, blunt and unguarded, the version of himself who led with his feelings and didn't run everything through a cost-benefit filter first.

'I'm sorry, Director Yan. My health's been bad and I'm not thinking straight. Honestly? I don't want to keep chasing this project. I don't want to deal with Xu Zhengdong anymore.'

Yan Tao nearly came out of his chair. 'Zhongjin's board meeting is right around the corner and you're pulling this now?'

Su Xingchuan felt the dull throb start at his temples.

'Zhou Jing wants this project more than you do anyway. Fine — hand it to him. I'll sleep better for it.'

Zhou Jing was Su Xingchuan's biggest rival at the firm.

From the day Su Xingchuan first got involved with Zhongjin, Zhou Jing had been working against him in the background — stirring up friction, poaching contacts, feeding Yan Tao whatever he thought would land. Su Xingchuan had always had too much contempt for that kind of person to bother engaging, had refused to waste a single move on him. And now, because of it, Zhou Jing was walking away with the spoils.

He could already picture the look on Zhou Jing's face right now.

Whatever. Let Zhou Jing have it.

Su Xingchuan was done groveling in front of a rival.

He was young. He had skills. He'd survive.

Yan Tao hung up with a click. Su Xingchuan was more than happy to have the silence back — he set his phone down and went back to sleep.

Except he couldn't.

He lay there turning it over and over, restless, a low heat crawling under his skin.

Late into the night, he caved and sent Li Xuan a message: [Dr. Li, I forgot when my follow-up appointment is.]

Pure excuse. He had nothing real to say.

Li Xuan didn't reply.

Su Xingchuan lay there stewing like a jealous idiot — why wasn't he answering? Was he with Xu Zhengdong right now?

On impulse, he called.

It connected fast.

He was just about to speak when noise flooded through from the other end — something like a bar, music cutting in and out.

'Li Xuan?'

A man's voice came on. 'Hello — this gentleman has had too much to drink at our bar. Could you come pick him up?'

Li Xuan. At a bar. Drunk.

Su Xingchuan didn't hesitate for a second. 'Yes. Please keep an eye on him — I'm on my way.'

He got the address from the staff and drove over, his heart in his throat the whole way, terrified something had happened to Li Xuan.

A bar, of all places — how could Li Xuan go somewhere like that alone?

The moment he got out of the car he was running. He found Li Xuan exactly where the staff had said — curled up asleep in a booth.

At the hospital, Li Xuan was Dr. Li — composed, precise, professionally untouchable, with all the quiet authority that made patients instinctively keep their distance. Su Xingchuan had always felt that Li Xuan had grown up, hardened somehow, become someone you couldn't just reach for anymore. But here, in this wreck of a place, Li Xuan was curled up small, buried under an oversized white jacket, and he just looked like a kid.

Su Xingchuan walked over and touched his face.

'Li Xuan?'

No response.

He leaned in closer, his thumb tracing slow circles against Li Xuan's earlobe, the same way he used to coax him out of bed in the mornings. 'Bao bao?'

The tight crease between Li Xuan's brows smoothed all at once. He nuzzled into Su Xingchuan's palm with a small, uncomfortable sound, then followed the warmth on instinct — found Su Xingchuan's chest and leaned in like he'd always known where it was.

Su Xingchuan's heart skipped a full beat.

Something slammed back into place.

He pulled Li Xuan in without thinking.

But this wasn't anywhere to sleep. The whole place reeked of alcohol.

'Bao bao, come on, wake up.' He shook Li Xuan's arm gently.

Li Xuan refused to wake. Then the music changed — heavy metal detonated through the speakers like the ceiling was coming down, someone out on the floor screamed, and Li Xuan startled and burrowed straight into Su Xingchuan's chest, exactly the way he always used to.

Su Xingchuan loved him like this — completely unguarded, trusting with his whole body. He gathered Li Xuan up and carried him out.

A few people looked. He didn't care.

The staff member stayed with him all the way to the car, held the door open. Su Xingchuan got Li Xuan settled inside, then turned and thanked him.

Smooth, start to finish.

Then he sat down, and went visibly still.

Seven years ago, carrying Li Xuan like that would've been nothing — he could've had him pinned against a hotel wall for half an hour and barely broken a sweat. But Su Xingchuan was fresh out of surgery and running a fever, and his body was a wreck. The pain caught up with him all at once, delayed and merciless, and he sat in the car for a long time just breathing through it before he could think straight again.

God, that was embarrassing. Lucky Li Xuan was too drunk to notice.

Small mercies.

Li Xuan made a small noise. Su Xingchuan cupped his face immediately. 'Hey. What's wrong?'

Li Xuan just kept making little sounds.

He was born needy. Even drunk, he couldn't stop.

Su Xingchuan buckled his seatbelt for him and muttered, mostly to himself: 'Settling personal scores, leaving me in that much pain — Doctor Li, you owe me a full apology.'

Doctor Li was fast asleep and couldn't care less.

Su Xingchuan pinched his cheek.

The night was heavy and dark. The streets were emptying out. Late December, deep winter — the wind had teeth, and every tree along the road had been stripped down to bare branches.

Su Xingchuan didn't start the car. He just sat in the driver's seat and looked at Li Xuan.

He hadn't changed much from seven years ago. The baby fat was gone from his cheeks, his features sharper now, a cooler edge to him — but asleep, he still looked like a little cat.

A pretty ragdoll cat. Adorable even when he scratched.

Su Xingchuan couldn't get enough of looking at him.

The clock on the dashboard read 12:00. Time to take Li Xuan home.

He started the car and pulled out toward Xinchen Residence.

Take him home. Right.