Chapter 22

Li Xuan had never thought of himself as someone who ran from things. Growing up, he hadn't had much to run from.

If Su Xingchuan's mother had never shown up, Li Xuan probably would've spent his whole life believing he was afraid of nothing.

Seven years ago, winter break started early. Su Xingchuan and Li Xuan spent New Year's completely wrapped up in each other, then went home to their separate families.

Back home, Li Xuan was bored out of his mind. He moped around the house all day, climbing the walls. He'd gotten so used to being attached to Su Xingchuan — used to having him there every second — that lying in bed one night, he just really, really missed him.

So he made a bold decision.

He was going to Su Xingchuan's house.

It was snowing hard that day, flakes coming down thick and fast. Li Xuan followed the map on his phone to Su Xingchuan's address. He hadn't told him he was coming — he was going to surprise him.

He waited until he was standing right outside Su Xingchuan's building before he called. His mouth was already curved into a grin. The moment the call connected, he went full dramatic: 'Su! Xing! Chuan! Guess where I am. I'm downstairs!'

The voice that answered wasn't Su Xingchuan's.

'This is Xingchuan's mom.'

The grin froze on Li Xuan's face.

'You're downstairs? I'll come down.'

A few minutes later a woman in a black-and-white checked puffer coat walked out. Li Xuan recognized her immediately — Su Xingchuan had her eyes, her brow line.

He Ning hadn't retired yet back then; she worked as an accountant at a construction firm. She walked up to Li Xuan and her expression wasn't warm.

Li Xuan had never been great with formalities. He just stood there staring at He Ning until it finally occurred to him to say, 'Hi, auntie.'

She seemed to already know who he was.

The snow was deep by then — it was nearly swallowing his ankles. He was freezing, and his brain was still cheerfully planning ahead: tonight I'm making Su Xingchuan warm my feet, and I'm using his abs as a hand warmer.

He Ning got straight to it. 'I saw your chat history with Xingchuan. You two are dating, aren't you?'

Li Xuan nodded, still a little dazed.

'You're gay?'

Li Xuan nodded, like a good boy.

He spent every day after that regretting it. He thought he'd been an idiot — naive in the most embarrassing way. Because his own parents had doted on him and eventually, helplessly, accepted who he was, he'd assumed every parent in the world would do the same. He turned it over and over in his head: if he hadn't nodded that night, would things have gone differently?

But back then, all he could do was nod. The word had barely left his mouth when he watched the disgust flood into He Ning's eyes.

'Xingchuan isn't gay. I know my own son. In middle school a girl wrote him a love letter and he came home happy about it — so I can say with certainty: he's not gay.'

'You did this to him.' He Ning's voice was ice, her teeth barely parted.

The color drained from Li Xuan's face, little by little.

He had nothing to say to that.

'Li Xuan. That's what I'll call you.'

The cold made her voice tremble slightly, but her conviction didn't waver. 'I know parents shouldn't interfere in their children's relationships. But your situation — I have to. I don't approve of you two being together. Whether it's casual or whether you mean it, I won't allow it. Either way.'

'I don't know anything about your — community. What I do know is that I think this is a sickness, a psychological disorder. How — how could anyone fall for a man? It's disgusting. I don't want my son catching whatever this is. Please leave him alone. Don't pass your filth on to him.'

Li Xuan froze where he stood, too scared to move. 'I —'

He Ning couldn't hold it back anymore. She couldn't stop seeing it — the chat log she'd stumbled across on Su Xingchuan's phone two days ago, Li Xuan asking when they were going to the hotel.

She'd opened her son's photo album and found it full of Li Xuan. Picture after picture. Some of them taken while he was asleep.

He Ning had staggered back and hit the cabinet. She couldn't believe it, refused to believe it. And then the very next day this boy named Li Xuan had shown up at her door. She had to do something.

She couldn't just let it go.

'However you have to do it — don't drag it out. End it, and end it fast. If you want to watch this family fall apart because of you, if you want to watch me die without ever closing my eyes in peace, then fine — stay with him. But that's on you.'

Disgusting. Fall apart. Die without closing her eyes in peace.

Every word she used felt alien to twenty-year-old Li Xuan. Every word was terrifying.

He just loved Su Xingchuan. How could loving someone make Su Xingchuan's mother die without closing her eyes in peace? Li Xuan couldn't make sense of it. His heart slammed against his throat over and over, and his whole body hurt.

His voice shook. 'Auntie — what if Su Xingchuan never likes girls?'

He Ning erupted. Her eyes went red and she pointed straight at him. 'I have never in my life seen someone so shameless. You're barely grown and you're out here doing something this disgusting — those messages you sent him, I couldn't even read them. Stay away from him.'

Li Xuan opened his mouth. Nothing came out.

His whole body was trembling. He'd never been spoken to like that, not once in his life. For the first time, he felt like he was the bad guy.

'I could live with him never marrying, never having children. But I cannot accept him liking men. Not in this lifetime. Not ever.'

Li Xuan felt the bottom drop out.

'Xingchuan is a filial child. If you want to watch him get torn apart between family and love — if you want me to die hating you — go ahead, call him down here. Pretend tonight never happened.'

Li Xuan's tears spilled over.

In that moment he felt so hopeless, so scared. He was crying on the inside, and all he could think, helpless and lost, was: Su Xingchuan, what am I supposed to do?

'If you have any sense at all, you'll leave now.' That was the last thing He Ning ever said to him.

That night, Li Xuan walked out of Su Xingchuan's home alone — a big gift box in his arms, snow past his ankles with every step. He told Su Xingchuan it was over not long after. He never said why.

He grew up overnight.

He hated himself for being naive, for being a coward, for not knowing better. If he'd been sharper — smoother, more adaptable — if he'd known to just play along, buy time, figure something out together with Su Xingchuan — maybe Su Xingchuan's mother wouldn't have gotten so angry.

But he'd been too scared. He just wanted to run.

That was on him.

The shadow He Ning cast over him never lifted — not for the seven years that followed. Even after he went abroad, if he ever heard anyone bring up gay people in conversation, he'd check out without thinking. He couldn't stand hearing what they might say.

He'd told himself it would fade. That the person he was now could cancel out the kid he'd been back then. But seven years later, standing in front of He Ning again, he still froze. Lips parting, closing. No words.

'What are you doing here?'

He Ning walked toward him.

He Ning had more white in his hair than before, more lines on his face, but he didn't look old — just harder. When he narrowed his eyes and frowned, that authority that had always frightened Li Xuan was still completely intact.

He Ning glanced up at the building sign and his expression shifted. His voice came out sharp: 'Why are you here? Don't you dare tell me you're back with him.'

Li Xuan wanted to run again.

He took a step back without thinking. The words came out on reflex: 'It's not — '

'Then why are you here?'

Li Xuan's mouth moved. Nothing came out.

He had so much he wanted to say. He wanted to tell He Ning that he and Su Xingchuan were in love — genuinely, completely in love. That even after seven years lost between them, they'd never stopped missing each other. That no one could fit the other the way they did. That he'd grown up, he wasn't that kid anymore, he wouldn't just take and take from Su Xingchuan like he had before — they'd hold each other up, the way two people who belong together should, all the way to the end.

But looking at He Ning's face, he couldn't get a single word out. He even started thinking about his uncle, about his mom — reaching for someone else to save him, like a child. Like he still couldn't make his own decisions.

He felt pathetic.

'Mom?'

Su Xingchuan's voice broke the standoff.

Su Xingchuan had finished the call, thought it over, and decided he was going to go see Li Xuan — then walked downstairs and found them already standing there facing each other.

He came over, just about to introduce Li Xuan to his mother, when He Ning cut in, voice cold: 'Xingchuan. Are you back with him?'

He Ning had found a photo of Su Xingchuan and Li Xuan together once. She hadn't said a word about it at the time, so Su Xingchuan had assumed she was more open to it than most parents would be. He'd thought — good timing, actually. Let Li Xuan meet her.

He didn't get a chance to speak. He Ning's voice cracked down like a slap: 'You've let me down.'

He went still. Li Xuan flinched back, one step, then another.

Li Xuan turned and walked away.

Su Xingchuan reached for him — and He Ning pulled him back.

'Why would you do this?' He Ning asked, tears in her eyes.

Su Xingchuan was completely lost. His mother, who had always been so gentle, was standing there like a furious lioness — he'd never seen her look like that, hard, that fierce. He stood there dazed, and then her voice kept coming, question after question, and slowly he started to surface.

She'd known. She'd known this whole time. She even knew Li Xuan's name, and she kept saying'seven years ago.' And just now Li Xuan had gone white in the face, bolted like something had terrified him.

Unless —

'You went to find him?'

He Ning stopped cold.

Her silence said everything. Su Xingchuan felt the blood drain out of him. He grabbed her arm. 'You went to find him? What did you say to him?'

He Ning looked away.

'So that's why he broke up with me.'

'Yes! I went to find him, so what? You were still in school. I didn't want to derail your future!'

Su Xingchuan couldn't hold it together anymore. 'What did you say to him? Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you talk to me first? You didn't want to affect me, so you went and affected him instead? He was someone's child too. Someone raised him just as carefully as you raised me.'

'What was I supposed to do? I didn't want him ruining your life.'

The pain hit so hard Su Xingchuan could barely speak.

What had Li Xuan gone through at twenty — what had he carried — that he'd just quietly stepped out of his life without a word?

He kept his grip on her arm. Each word came out separate, deliberate. 'Mom. I'm telling you — I didn't turn gay because of him. I fell for him first.'

'That's not possible.'

'Before I met him, I'd never felt anything for any girl. But the first time I saw him, I couldn't look away.'

He Ning's face had gone ashen. 'You've always been such a good boy. Don't say things like that. Xingchuan, you just haven't met the right girl yet. Listen to me — cut things off with him —'

Su Xingchuan's voice came out rough. 'Believe it or don't. That's how it is. I'm the one who got us together. Everything that happened after, I made happen. I love him. I love him more than I know what to do with. And he's it for me. This whole life, just him.'

He Ning grabbed Su Xingchuan's jacket. 'Xingchuan!'

'I'm going to find him right now. I have to find him.' Su Xingchuan looked at his mother. 'Mom. I've been waiting for him for seven years.'

.

Su Xingchuan called Li Xuan. No answer.

The worry was eating him alive.

Just a few hours ago he'd been on the phone saying he hoped Li Xuan's life would be smooth, free of pain — and now this. The first real blow Li Xuan had ever taken in his life had come from him. Seven years ago.

Li Xuan, who cried over everything, who'd sulk for days if Su Xingchuan so much as raised his voice.

How was he supposed to survive being screamed at by his own mother?

Seven years of trying to figure out why they broke up, and Su Xingchuan had spent every one of those years suspecting the worst of Li Xuan — not once had it crossed his mind that he might be the reason. Otherwise, how could the Li Xuan who'd been sweetly whining about setting off fireworks together for New Year's have suddenly asked for a breakup out of nowhere?

When they broke up, Li Xuan had been crying. He'd said, 'I can't.'

He should have known.

He kept calling. Li Xuan still didn't pick up.

He scanned both sides of the street — no sign of Li Xuan anywhere. He guessed Li Xuan must have gone home, but he didn't have the address. After a moment he called Xu Zhengdong's driver, made up something about needing to drop off documents, and got the address for the Xu family estate.

The second he had it, he got in the car.

The residential estate didn't allow outside vehicles, so he left the car on the road and went in on foot.

His steps were all over the place.

He knew Li Xuan was hurting. Scared.

He'd worked so hard just to hear Li Xuan say 'I miss you.' Seven years, and he'd finally seen a sliver of light at the end of it — he couldn't let it fall apart now. He had to see him. Even if he had to beg, even if it cost him every last shred of pride, he was getting Li Xuan back.

He was still walking when a familiar figure caught his eye.

Li Xuan.

Li Xuan was sprinting toward him with an armful of stuff — then his foot caught and he went down hard, sprawling forward onto the ground, everything scattering around him.

Su Xingchuan ran over and pulled him up.

He grabbed Li Xuan's wrist, voice tight: 'Are you hurt? Your elbows, your knees — does anything hurt?'

Li Xuan blinked when he saw him, then immediately dropped down to gather his things. 'Did your mom leave?'

'What?'

'I want to see her.'

'You don't have to do that, Xiao Xuan. My mom — I'll handle it.'

Li Xuan looked up at him. His eyes were bright with tears, and his voice didn't waver: 'I want to say it myself.'

Su Xingchuan pulled him close, chest aching.

'I'm sorry. I'm not running this time — I just came back to get something.' Li Xuan picked his things up off the ground one by one, tucking them against his chest. He was still catching his breath between sobs when he said,

'These are my certificates. My degree. My medical license, my practicing certificate. My award from last year. My health records.' He held them tighter. 'I've been living carefully. All these years.'

Su Xingchuan stared at him, not moving.

Li Xuan's face hadn't changed that much — those tear-bright eyes still made Su Xingchuan's heart hurt the same way they always had. But this was the first time it hit him, clearly and without question: Li Xuan had grown up.

Li Xuan's voice broke as he said it: 'I want to tell your mom — I don't have anything wrong with me, I'm not a bad person. I just love you.'