Chapter 21

Li Xuan slowly lowered his hand.

This was not going the way he'd imagined.

In the uproar, Xie Liang turned to glare at Su Xingchuan and Li Xuan, blood pressure through the roof. 'You two —'

Li Xuan looked back at him with wide, innocent eyes, brow furrowed in genuine confusion. Xie Liang sputtered 'you, you, you —' for a solid few seconds and couldn't land on a single thing to actually say. Finally he gave up, crouched down in front of Xue Ningzi, and grabbed her hand with the desperate energy of a man on trial. 'Babe, don't listen to him, okay? We've been together five years. You know exactly what kind of person I am.'

Li Xuan wavered — just slightly. But held the line. 'You were still —'

'You've got some nerve!' Xie Liang said through clenched teeth.

Xue Ningzi covered her face with her free hand.

Xie Liang jabbed a finger at Su Xingchuan and Li Xuan. 'These two had a fight and I'm the one who gets hit by the shrapnel. I'm an innocent straight man!'

Xue Ningzi took a deep breath. 'Keep your voice down.'

Xie Liang pulled her into a hug and buried his face in her shoulder. 'No, you have to let me explain. Babe, I am one hundred percent straight, okay? A hundred percent.'

People around them were still craning their necks to watch.

Xue Ningzi: '...'

Li Xuan stared blankly at Xie Liang and Xue Ningzi.

He was lost.

He'd done his homework for today — spent real time binge-watching 'catching a cheater' compilations online. In his head, the scene that came next was supposed to go like this:

Xie Liang scrambles to his feet. Su Xingchuan grabs him by the collar and demands to know why he cheated.

Xue Ningzi finds out the truth, throws her napkin in Xie Liang's face, screams at him for stringing two people along, and walks out.

Then Su Xingchuan, freshly heartbroken, goes out to drink it off — and Li Xuan is right there to be by his side.

That's how it always goes on TV.

But... but why was reality not overlapping with the script even a little? Why was Xie Liang calling himself one hundred percent straight?

Xie Liang was still sputtering through his explanation when Su Xingchuan lost it and started laughing. Xie Liang spun around and snapped at him: 'What are you laughing at? I did this for you. Take your man and go, seriously — just go!'

Su Xingchuan reached around from behind and looped an arm around Li Xuan's waist, drawing him back against his chest. Li Xuan just stared up at him, dazed.

The little cat was completely lost.

Su Xingchuan looked at him, something surging in his chest. All he wanted to do was kiss him.

Beside them, Xie Liang had already draped himself over Xue Ningzi's shoulder, playing the victim: 'My reputation... my good name... babe...'

Xue Ningzi shoved his head away with a flat expression.

Su Xingchuan cleared his throat and turned to Xue Ningzi. 'I'm really sorry, saozi — that was entirely my fault. Let me take you and Liangzi to dinner tomorrow.'

Xue Ningzi waved them off — just go already.

By the time Su Xingchuan had towed Li Xuan out of the restaurant, Xie Liang was still planted beside Xue Ningzi, practically glued to her, murmuring something — the two of them looking every bit like a couple with nothing to hide.

Li Xuan's brain had stopped working.

What just happened?

Su Xingchuan was practically beside himself, laughing as he cupped Li Xuan's face in both hands and squished his cheeks until his mouth puckered. 'Since when does Dr. Li moonlight as a judge? Were you jealous?'

Li Xuan stared back at him, still dazed, his brow still furrowed.

Su Xingchuan leaned a little closer. 'You asked me earlier — if I found out Xie Liang was playing both sides, would I still like him. Do you have your answer now?'

Li Xuan shook his head.

What Su Xingchuan wanted to say was: aren't you one to talk? You strung me along, played games with me, cried like I'd wronged you every time things got close — then turned right back around to Xu Zhengdong. And I still liked you. You made my self-respect worthless.

But he couldn't bring himself to say any of that to Li Xuan. He just said: 'Isn't it obvious? He's just a coworker. He's not gay.'

Li Xuan's lashes fluttered. His breath caught.

'Because I told him about it before — that my first love dumped me. That day at the hospital, I told him you were my first love. So he claimed to be my boyfriend to back me up. He was just trying to get under your skin.'

'Get under my skin?'

Su Xingchuan touched his nose to Li Xuan's, eyes soft with affection. 'He's not gay. That girl just now is his girlfriend. They're getting married in a little over a month.'

Li Xuan froze like someone had hit pause on him. After a moment he turned toward the restaurant, and he could still just make out Xie Liang and Xue Ningzi's figures in the distance. His face went red in an instant.

So he'd... made a fool of himself?

He'd made a complete fool of himself in front of all those people.

And it had taken him so much to be brave this once.

He'd spent so long psyching himself up for today's big confrontation — confirming it over and over with his uncle, lying awake anxious the whole night before. And what did it all come down to? Just trying to get under your skin.

Su Xingchuan had known all along he'd misunderstood. Never said a word. Watched the whole show play out for over half a month and kept using Xie Liang to needle him, again and again.

Li Xuan had catalogued every single dig. Su Xingchuan said he had a worse personality than Xie Liang, said he wasn't as hardworking as Xie Liang, called him high-maintenance and petty and jealous. When it came to his flaws, Su Xingchuan could just go on and on — as if Li Xuan were someone who didn't deserve to be liked.

Su Xingchuan would never know what it felt like to hear the person you loved most say: you're not as good as the guy I'm with now.

Su Xingchuan was awful. Genuinely awful.

His eyes went red at the rims, the tips of his ears too. The humiliation and the hurt came flooding up all at once. How could Su Xingchuan do this to him?

Even his family had never said a bad word about him.

He pressed both hands against Su Xingchuan's chest and shoved, wrestling himself free from his arms, then turned and walked off without caring where he was going. Su Xingchuan rushed after him. He reached for Li Xuan's arm — and got it slapped away, hard.

'Xiao Xuan!'

Li Xuan was seething. He turned to face Su Xingchuan, eyes red. 'You knew I'd gotten it wrong. Why didn't you say anything? Watching me get jealous like an idiot — were you proud of yourself?'

'Of course not.'

'Then why were you smiling? What were you so happy about?'

'Because... because I was jealous too.'

The words didn't register. Li Xuan was too far gone in his anger, still pouring it out. He shoved Su Xingchuan hard. 'Nobody's ever dared pull something like this on me my whole life. Su Xingchuan, you're dead!'

Even furious, the worst he could manage was: you're dead.

Su Xingchuan had always known — Li Xuan only looked cold. Spend enough time with him and you'd figure it out: he was actually a soft little cat who liked showing you his belly. The claws were just for show.

And now the little cat was embarrassed. The little cat was furious.

A couple came out of the restaurant, noticed Li Xuan on the sidewalk, and the boy nudged his girlfriend to look.

Li Xuan's face went even redder.

He turned and walked away.

Su Xingchuan caught up again, and Li Xuan said through tears, 'Don't follow me!' Su Xingchuan stopped.

Li Xuan kept walking, straight ahead.

He was going to find his uncle. Have his uncle make Su Xingchuan's life hell — by any means necessary. Pull the project. Make him lose money. Make him sell everything he owned. Make him sleep on the street.

He got out his phone and called Xu Zhengdong.

He hung up before it connected.

How could he bear it...

Su Xingchuan could stand to hurt him. He couldn't stand to hurt Su Xingchuan.

The tears came fast. He knew now that Xie Liang wasn't Su Xingchuan's boyfriend — he should've been relieved. The whole thing hadn't played out the way he'd planned, but the end result was what he'd wanted.

So why did it hurt this much?

Because Su Xingchuan had changed. The old Su Xingchuan never would've dared tease him. Never would've stood there and watched him make a fool of himself.

He wasn't the one calling the shots in this relationship anymore.

He ran the whole way home. By the time he reached the front door his legs had nothing left — he just collapsed onto the ground right there. His mother, Xu Nianzhi, rushed over to catch him. 'What happened? Did you fall off your bike?'

Li Xuan leaned against his mother's shoulder and said nothing.

Xu Nianzhi checked his arms and knees, found no scrapes or bruises, and let out a breath. She smoothed his hair. 'Is it that boy again?'

Li Xuan nodded.

'Xuanxuan. What are you scared of? Can Mom help?'

Li Xuan let all the tension go and leaned into her. 'Mom, not every mom is like you.'

Xu Nianzhi understood immediately.

She asked quietly: 'Seven years ago — his mother came to find you, didn't she? What did she say?'

The color drained from Li Xuan's face.

Su Xingchuan's mother's voice rose up in his memory: 'Do you have any idea how disgusting you are? Look at the messages you sent him. I'm begging you — don't spread whatever's wrong with you to my son. You've dragged a perfectly good boy down a path he can't come back from. Aren't you afraid of divine punishment? You want to tear this family apart? You want me to die with my eyes open?!'

Her voice was a splinter driven straight into his chest. Even sitting next to his mother, he couldn't stop shaking.

'Why couldn't you tell me?'

'I was a coward,' Li Xuan said.

'You were twenty,' Xu Nianzhi said gently. 'Twenty is exactly the age when you're not ready for any of it.'

His mother's words settled something in him, slowly.

'And now?' Xu Nianzhi asked.

The words had barely left her mouth when Su Xingchuan called.

Li Xuan pulled out his phone, saw Su Xingchuan's name blinking on the screen, and steeled himself and declined it.

A few seconds later, Su Xingchuan called again.

Xu Nianzhi saw it too. She smiled, ruffled his hair, brushed a few flecks of frost from the ends. 'Answer it. It's okay. I'll be upstairs.'

Li Xuan watched his mother climb the stairs, then picked up.

Su Xingchuan's voice came through the receiver.

'Baby.'

Just that one word, and Li Xuan's tears fell.

Su Xingchuan was quiet for a moment. Then, slowly: 'Last time you asked me whether what we had seven years ago mattered to me. I said it did. That wasn't the whole truth.'

Li Xuan's heart lurched.

'Mattered doesn't even cover it. That word's too small,' Su Xingchuan said, a soft, helpless laugh in his voice. 'Honestly? You changed the direction of my life. Every single day after we split felt like a repeat of the last. Pointless.'

Li Xuan stood there, frozen.

'Sometimes I'd tell myself — is Li Xuan really all that? He's a total drama queen. When we were together I was always fetching things for him, checking if he was cold, if he was hungry, doing everything I could just to keep him happy, and even then it wasn't enough. The second I talked to another girl he'd say I didn't love him anymore. Unreasonable doesn't begin to describe it. He wasn't a boyfriend, he was a household deity I had to appease.'

Li Xuan's sobbing grew heavier. He gripped the hem of his shirt tight.

He wanted Su Xingchuan to stop. He didn't want to hear another word.

But then Su Xingchuan said: 'And I was crazy about him anyway.'

Li Xuan went still.

'When we were together, I thought everything he did was adorable. The little tantrums, the jealousy — adorable. I'd get annoyed sometimes, sure, but then he'd look all guilty and hook his finger around mine and I'd just... melt. He had no idea how to be in a relationship. He just knew exactly how to get to me.'

'Baby. I missed you so much.'

'For a while I could still get news about you — heard you were going to class every day like clockwork, that you applied for an exchange program in your third year, that you went to the States for grad school. And then one day, nothing. You just vanished from my life. Took me a long time to get through that.'

'First year after I graduated, I was renting a place near the office. After work I'd just lie on my bed alone and wonder what you were doing. Whether anyone was with you. Sometimes I'd buy groceries and cook for myself, and when I set the food on the table I'd think — if you were sitting across from me right now, how happy would that make me.'

'We were only actually together for less than five months, all told. The time I've spent missing you blew past that a long time ago. Sometimes I'd wonder if you'd already forgotten me. Whether I was the only person in the world who still remembered that we happened.'

Li Xuan shook his head, still crying.

'There was a time I was selfish enough to hope things were going badly for you.'

'One year the company did a team retreat up at Mount Lingshan. There's a temple there — supposed to be pretty efficacious. Everyone went in to pray. Right before I stepped through the gate, I made myself a promise: I hope Li Xuan never finds anyone who loves him the way I did. I hope he spends the rest of his life regretting it. But then I walked in, and I knelt down on the cushion, and I changed my mind. I told the Bodhisattva: please let Li Xuan be happy. He's so fragile, he can't handle hardship, not even a little. Better to just let him live his whole life without worry, wrapped up in people who love him.'

Li Xuan broke in through his tears: 'I was not without worry!'

There was a catch in Su Xingchuan's voice now too. He asked quietly: 'You missed me too, didn't you?'

'I missed you,' Li Xuan said, voice full of grievance.

'I'd already stopped hoping. And then you showed up. If you hadn't come back this winter —'

Li Xuan's heart seized. He held his breath. 'What would you have done?'

Kept waiting? Given up?

Or — started over?

'I would've walked into year eight,' Su Xingchuan said, 'still missing you.'

Li Xuan laughed through his tears.

He pressed his hand over his face, tears slipping between his fingers. He didn't want to make a sound, but his whole body was shaking and he couldn't stop it. His mind kept filling with images from seven years ago — the first time he and Su Xingchuan held each other, the first kiss, every first that had ever belonged to them. Whatever Su Xingchuan had suffered through these seven years, Li Xuan had matched it, pain for pain. He was still crying silently when Su Xingchuan's voice came soft through the phone: 'Baby. Don't cry.'

Li Xuan looked up. Xu Nianzhi was standing at the corner of the second-floor landing, watching him with a quiet smile. He turned his tear-blurred eyes toward his mother.

'Go,' Xu Nianzhi said.

Li Xuan was on his feet in an instant, out the door before he'd finished the thought.

Seven years ago, Su Xingchuan had come back from the station to find him. This time, it was Li Xuan's turn.

He hailed a cab to Xinchen Residence.

He wanted to wake up in Su Xingchuan's arms tomorrow morning. Like that night he'd been drunk.

He was running before he even got out of the car.

He still knew the way. He'd just reached the building entrance when someone called out to him.

Li Xuan stopped dead and turned around.

Su Xingchuan's mother.